Some would call me lazy (and I would agree) but I love sleep.
Yes, I realize Nas famously said that sleep is the cousin of death, but dammit if we all don’t need that time killer to survive in this life.
For sleep replenishes us so we can attack our full days.
And I will admit that sometimes I go to bed a little later than I should. However, I’ve been getting by on about 4-6 hours of sleep a night for years (which is evident because I originally typed that sentence as 6-4 hours and we all know 6 don’t come before 4).
I’m not proud of it, but it is what it is people.
So here’s my story.
Last week I was jolted out of my beautiful slumber for reasons I couldn’t understand when it happened.
I knew it wasn’t because of my snoring, which had woken me up before but wasn’t the case this time.
And I knew it wasn’t because I had to piss because I had already done that before I laid down.
I had no idea what the hell was going on.
And then, I heard it. Seeping through my ceiling like a nightmarish sonnet of pain. Floating through my cracked bedroom window like a tiny witch laughing on her broomstick.
I’m not sure what this brotha was doing to her but the shit must have been phenomenal. Her moans went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds and they did not subside at all. I tried to drown out her pleasure cries but it wasn’t easy. Eventually I fell asleep again and woke up at the ass crack of dawn to go through my day. Needless to say I was sleepy by 10AM and went to bed early that night.
I had forgotten all about upstairs Janet’s Velvet Rope Tour until Wednesday night when I was jolted awake by an encore performance. Only this time it sounded like he was taking a long trip through the tight caverns of Brown Mountain because her moans sounded like pain wrapped in ecstasy.
It was so difficult to drown her out this time but I was saved when I’m assuming he gripped her up and took her to another room because the moans were still intense but more muffled. It made it easier to go back to sleep yet the same problem from last week happened yesterday as I felt sleepy beginning at 9 AM and it lasted all day.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating against the night time slap and tickle. Shit, they might have kids and can only fuck during the wee hours of the morning. But damn sis, learn how to take the dick with a hand over your mouth. Unless he’s Trey Songz I don’t want to know his name or hear you yodel like Heidi at one in the god damn morning. The walls are thinner than Lebron’s hairline so I hear it all in my apartment. From the bed creaking and rolling across the floor to Janet’s feral purrs of delight.
She reminds me of Cartman’s horny cat from that episode of South Park. Ironically, though, I never hear him.
Maybe because he knows how to respect his neighbors.
Or because her shot is trash.
In any case, I have a few tips for Janet and Marcus.
1) Fuck between the hours of 6PM and 11 PM. Trust me, we can all hear your pornography practice so why not get it in a little earlier so we can just nod our heads and say ‘There they go again’ while we’re still awake? Then we all can sleep at night because y’all will be too.
2) Practice the time honored art of fellatio. Most men love it and he’s only fucking you to get that nut out anyway. When he’s done go finish yourself off in the shower and keep the moans to a minimum. Or, just take your ass to sleep.
3) Let him hit it from the back while you bury your face in the pillow. This way, the pillow will catch all of that noise so we won’t have to.
4) Motels are nice. No one is there to sleep anyway. And hey, you may even run into another couple that wants to listen or even join in. Every day’s a new adventure!
The bottom line is, Janet and Marcus, I have to deal with a lot of people during the day at my job. And sometimes I need a moment to snap into professional mode. When I don’t get enough sleep the most important thing I leave at home is my filter.
And that’s not a good thing.
Apparently you two have the best sex life ever. And I applaud you. I’d download the sex tape. Marcus, dig deep my brotha. Janet, buss it wide open for your man. But please, for my own sanity and financial longevity, leave me out of it.