A Winter Bitch Slap

snow35_15marketI remember a few winters ago I was walking out of work into 60 degree weather thinking to myself ‘It’s too early for this! What ever happened to the winter’s like back when I was a kid?’

I’m not sure about you, but I don’t ever remember winter being this brutal when I was a kid. Sure, I retain some memories like snowball fights, shoveling a path for my parents and walking from the bus stop with my friends when it was really cold. But this?

Nah son, I don’t remember any of this.

And yes, I get it. It’s winter. It’s supposed to be cold now. But I think the weak winters of years passed have left us spoiled because we’ve been hit with some form of precipitation almost every week since the new year began.

Personally, I’m the fuck done. And I’ll tell you why.

1) It’s cold

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I’m a spring baby, and winter has never been one of my favorite seasons. I know people say ‘It’s so nice this time of year. Snuggling up with the one you love drinking cocoa’.

That does nothing for me. I’m single and stopped drinking cocoa when I was 10. I need an outdoor deck with drinks and people watching all year long, and if I tried that during this particular winter I’d freeze my balls off and look pretty damn stupid outside all alone.

2) You can’t be cute AND warm at the same time

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I know this is mainly my vanity presenting itself , but it’s true. When I leave the house to go to work in the spring I’m smelling all good, wearing my sunglasses and strolling around looking like the handsome brotha that I know I am. But in the winter, I’m wearing multiple layers of clothes to fight the cold.

Never before have I said ‘Fuck it!’ while getting dressed in the morning as much as I have during this winter. A purple long john shirt gets covered by a white t-shirt that is then covered by a red button down which gets covered by a black hoodie. Throw on a pair of black khakis, black socks and my Timbs and I’m only half-way ready. Now I’ve got to break out the long, formless (but sooooo warm) winter coat, scarf, skully and gloves. Grab my iPod, hit the door and guess what?

It’s still the fuck cold!

The winter lets it be known that she’s the prettiest bitch at this party, and everyone else must dress accordingly in order to bask in her beauty.

3) You must wear shoes you don’t give a fuck about

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I dare you to cop some expensive footwear and then try to parade around at the height of the winter when it’s icy and snowy. You may as well have thrown that money in the trash because it was a wasted purchase. I remember I had these bad ass Nike’s that I bought in the summertime and wore everywhere. You would think when the weather changed I’d switch into something more seasonal, but I said to myself ‘Man fuck the winter. I’ma rock out with my Nike’s’.

Well, the winter said ‘Fuck you too’ as I stepped in numerous puddles and damn near broke my neck while tipping across icy paths. Ultimately I had to break down and buy a pair of boots. They weren’t expensive, but they were comfortable as hell. Unfortunately, they weren’t very attractive (see #2).

4) People become assholes

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I’m not sure if it’s because everyone is tired of the crowded markets, or the Dining chair wars, or the traffic and packed public transportation, but I’ve found that in the winter people are just sucky. The worse people are the ones who absolutely REFUSE to clear their walkways. It’s like they’re in their house saying to themselves ‘Oh well. If they fall that’s the fuck on them’ which just lends itself to my theory of wintertime assholery amongst the masses. Unfortunately it’s not like people become sweethearts later in the year as our murder rate increases during the hot summer months. Perhaps people are just miserable because they’re miserable and not because of the weather.

Either way, I’m still blaming the winter.

The good news is that Spring is only 15 days away! And even though the weather can switch back to ‘Aw Hell, Not Again!’ at least one more time we’re a lot further away from the beginning of the winter than we were fifteen storms ago.

And before you know it, we’ll all be complaining about how hot it is.

 

 

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