I’m 36 now. I never gave much thought about aging until I turned thirty-six though, because now all I hear whenever I tell someone how old I am is Forty.
Even when I know I’m saying the word thirty-six to them, I can only hear the word Forty coming out of my mouth.
In my mind, I’m already 40.
I remember I was recently watching a show on TV and someone was having a birthday party. Immediately I thought to myself ‘I wonder what I should do for my 45th birthday’ and then it dawned on me that I haven’t even reached forty yet. Hell, I’ve only been thirty-six for four months and yet I’m already adding an extra four years to my current age.
This isn’t where I thought I would be in my life by the time I hit thirty-six. Still, one of the things I’m most grateful for is the fact that I’m alive and well.
But if the quality of my life is lacking in certain aspects then I can’t really say that I’m living life to the fullest can I?
Most look at the aging process as a game of caps. If you’re not married with a family by a certain age most figure they’ll never be married or have a family. If you’re not secure in a certain aspect of your profession by a certain age most will give up and accept where they are. Everything becomes a deadline once you’ve crossed that threshold into your 3o’s and I never saw it that way until this year.
Yes, I know that age is just a number but as that number increases I begin to wonder what the hell have I been doing with my life for the past few years? And what will I be doing with my life in the next few years? I hate to sound like that old mu’fucka who reminisces on the past by saying things like ‘It feels like just yesterday I was twenty-five.’
Well, it does feel like just yesterday I was twenty-five when I had no major hang-ups about aging. Maybe it was different then because I knew that my impending 30th birthday would be a bit easier to accept because forty was still so far away.
But it’s damn near here now.
And when I think about people who are in their forties I think of grown ups that are established and living their lives. It’s mind boggling to know that in a few years I will be one of those people, even though mentally the thirty-six in my head is really just a forty in disguise.
I’m ranting now. There is no point to this post. I’m simply locked into my feelings as I realize two things;
1) I’m going to be forty soon
2) What the fuck am I going to do before that happens?
It was then that he dropped some knowledge that was both profound and simple where he basically stated that waiting for a certain time in your life to change is stupid. Every day is a chance to transition from one point in your life to the next. That stuck with me and thus made me face the fact that I’m not getting any younger. A new year can start with a new day, so why wait for change when change can happen at any time?
Did his answer change how I hear a different age come out of my mouth when I tell people how old I am? Hell no, I still hear forty.
But I now have the insight to begin ignoring the anxiety of that number and focus my energy on not allowing it to deter me from achieving my goals.