Discount Divas

The new TVOne reality series Hollywood Divas follows the lives of five of Hollywoods biggest celebrities as they maintain their star power and rack up roles as the top black actresses in the game.

Watch as Gabrielle Union, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Viola Davis and Kerry Washington….

Oh wait. They’re not on this show.

Well then just who in the hell are the TVOne “Hollywood” Divas?

Paula Jai Parker of Friday. Countess Vaughn of Moesha and The ParkersElise Neal of Rosewood and The Hughleys. Lisa Wu of The Real Housewives of AtlantaAnd last, but certainly not leastGolden Brooks of Girlfriends. .

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The first time I saw the commercial for this show I thought to myself “I’m glad they’ve all found jobs again” because I thought this was going to be a new sitcom that would rival the hilarity of The Haves And The Have Nots. But as the air date got closer and I saw more commercials it became painfully obvious that this was, indeed, a real show.

I missed the premiere but caught the rerun one lazy Sunday afternoon while hugged up on the couch. The formula with most reality TV shows is all the same, and this show is no different because each one of the “divas” has their assigned award winning role.

The “Star”: She’s the one who had the most success in opposition to the rest of her castmates. However, if you put her in a  room with the real stars they’d all be walking up to her and giving her their drink orders.

And The Winner is!

hwd_elise_2221Elise Neal, since she’s the only one out of the five of them that has remained consistent with her acting (kinda sorta).

Elise is also an accomplished dancer and claims that the super group the Pussycat Dolls stole one of her dance troupe’s songs and entire style for their own act.

The sound you hear is the sound of no one caring about her, the Pussycat Dolls, or her story.

 

 

The “Nice One”: She will be one of two types of ladies: She’ll either be naive and unprepared for the barrage of cattiness, bitchiness and insanity about to blow through her little world like the tornado in the Wizard of Oz. Or, she’ll be the cool chick that the other ladies hate on for no real reason other than the fact they’re just mean and insecure.

And The Winner Is!

lisawu_hollydivasLisa Wu, because she’s new to the game and will probably experience a multitude of ‘What The Fuck??’ moments with her castmates. Though after being on a show that had both Sheree’ AND NeNe on at the same time she should be able to handle herself just fine.

But my main question for her on the show, and for the rest of her life, would be “How the hell did you let Ed go???”

I would have made that shit work.

 

The “Crazy Bitch”: It’s self explanatory. She will bring buckets of drama like old ladies bring buckets of chicken to church picnics. And she will never, EVER disappoint with her antics because she has been waiting for years to act a fool on TV.

And The Winner Is!

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Paula Jai Parker. Need proof? In the first episode alone she has admitted to being homeless while clutching a designer purse, claimed her career stalled because she was blackballed by Hollywood for marrying an outsider (i.e. Production Assistant) and spoke about having a drink thrown at her by Golden Brooks during a party 10 years ago.

Ten. Years. Ago.

You let that marinate for a minute as we move on.

The “Mean Girl”: Not only is she crazy, she isn’t very nice either. Maybe because her career never took off the way she believed it should have. Maybe because she feels like people owe her something because she used to be famous and has earned the right to be a mean bitch to everyone. Maybe because her career has been floating right side up in the toilet for so long she’s mad she has to do reality TV. In any event, “The Mean Girl” is the one that most fans like because they think that she’s “keeping it real”.

And she is keeping it real. Real evil.

And The Winner Is!

GoldenB-600x405Golden Brooks. She is NOT the quintessential boughetto Girl Next Door Maya Wilkes as I believed her to be. She’s Golden Brooks. Classically trained actress and star of such movies as Motives and The Mudman. And she is quick to let EVERYONE know that she was on Girlfriends a million years ago.  Acting is not a spectator sport and not for everyone. (Which would include her since she hasn’t been in anything of note in years and has to resort to Reality TV to collect a check)

 

 

And since we’re fresh out of divas, but not out of fuckery, Countess Vaughn will be playing the role of “The Comedian”. She’s the funny one, maybe because she has to be or maybe because all of the other roles are filled. But The Comedian provides, you guessed it, comic relief in the form of either her appearance, her behavior, or both.

Need proof?

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This show will probably be on for the next fives years with a rotating cast of other Hollywood Divas, and the drama will be on ten every week because nothing says ratings like a group of black women hating each other and acting like a bunch of 16 year olds that ride the short yellow bus.

Tune in if you want to see the same thing you can see on any other channel because the only thing special about this show is the cast.

And I don’t mean that in a good way.

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