I believe that everyone should go after their dreams and achieve heights of success that even they never thought imaginable. So to all of you I say GO! DO! BE! Get what’s yours and never look back!
But be prepared for criticism because this is Life. And not everyone will be on board with what you have to offer.
That being said, Oprah……I’ve been shaking my head for a few weeks now.
Not only do you have this wildly stereotypical Madea rip-off called Love Thy Neighbor (ironically written by the creator/portrayer of Madea) you have now brought The Haves and Have Nots into our lives via your new BFF Toilet Paper.
I mean, Tyler Perry.
I better not clown him too much. I heard he’s not the One.
But today I’m going to offer my thoughts on this show.
Which is bad.
Here we go.
We open with the gorgeous Tika Sumpter sweaty and ravenous after a quick romp with the still to this day handsome John Schneider. You may remember him as Bo Duke from the classic TV Show The Dukes of Hazzard. I never understood why he was my favorite until I got older. Bo Duke was, and still is, a very handsome dude. (As Tika says many times during the opening scene)
However, none of this interracial beauty could save them from the terrible forthcoming dialogue. Tika’s character, Candy, is a hoe. And not in the ‘If I fuck him he might pay one of my bills’ kind of way.
Candy is a professional hoe.
“It’s a good thing you’ve got money.” She says, before opening her coat and revealing her half naked body. “Because money will get you THIS!”
And then she escorts John off screen and proves true to her name because I’m sure John ate as much Candy as his coins would allow.
It was at this moment I sighed and said to myself “Oprah, you should have never left that damn show.”
The next scene brings us Hannah, a regular middle-aged sistah who’s trying to get a job as a maid in the home of Katheryn Cryer. I should note here that Katheryn is John’s husband, and I’m not sure who this actress portraying Katheryn is but she looks like a cross between Chopped judge Alex Guarnaschelli and 1990’s Delta Burke.
In any case, it works.
So Hannah gets the job, and then we find out that Hannah is a friend of the Cryer’s current maid Selene. I could tell that Selene was some sort of “other” ethnicity, which pissed me off because apparently there are no such things as white maids anymore. The days of Alice and Hazel are long gone I guess, but whatever Tyler.
So we go back to the hotel room with Candy and John (I don’t know what his name on the show is nor do I care. From now on he’ll be known as John because he’s John Schneider AND he’s her john for the evening)
The two of them have just finished fucking again, and with all this hot interracial sex going on things are starting to feel a little Olivia Pope/Fitzgerald Grant to me.
She tells him again that she’ll do something strange for some change anytime he wants, and he reminds her that there’s money on the dresser.
OK Tyler, WE GET IT! This beautiful sistah, whose hair is giving me flashbacks of Storm circa 1977, is a prostitute. She fucks for money. Her pussy should be named Turnpike ‘cause you gotta pay to get on and pay to get off.
LET’S MOVE ON!
Back to the Cryer’s. A new character is introduced. She’s the bougie, rich black lady who has tons and tons of money. And you can tell by her wack ass clothing. She steps into the house in Jackie O shades and one of those horrible, huge Foxy Brown lamp shade hats.
Well, let the self-contained racism begin! Rich black lady shuns new maid Hannah, which throws the action back into Tyler’s realm of expertise.
“Who is that?” Hannah asks Selene, obviously agitated.
“That heifer who just threw me her coat?” Hannah continues. “I can’t stand black people like that! She probably ain’t got a pot to piss in.”
It’s in this scene we learn the commonality of the two maids when the bougie black lady is revealed as a recovering alcoholic named Veronica. However, Selene pronounces it in her native tongue, finally revealing to the audience, who may have thought she was white before (because she could pass), that she is a member of the Spanish speaking community.
So for the rest of this article, bougie black chick shall be referred to as Beronica!
So of course now nosy ass Hannah, who’s been there for about forty-five minutes and hasn’t cleaned shit, goes into a barrage of cliché’s that only Tyler could write so eloquently for her dialog.
“She got money? Is it hers? Is her husband white? MmmHmmm…..”
I was about to finally give up on this show until the Man Candy arrived!
It’s Wyatt (Aaron O’Connell), the hot white son of Katheryn and John. And within the first five seconds of his scene his shirt is off.
Now, Tyler will tell you that this act is for the ladies. But fuck that. I think this was for someone else….though I won’t say who.
Anyway, Hot White Son (which is what I’m calling him) is accompanied by his “Life Coach” (Beronica!’s son Jeffrey) because, apparently, Hot White Son has been in rehab on three different occasions and the shit just ain’t working for him so he needs a “Life Coach” to follow him around when he does stupid shit like complain about wanting a drink to his parents, who are a worse version of Dina and Michael Lohan because they don’t seem to give a shit. And then for no apparent reason Hot White Son strips naked and runs to his bedroom, where he startles both Hannah and Selene.
That’s bad enough, but then Hot White Son is joined by his “Life Coach” (Gavin Houston), who follows him to the bathroom to help him do…something.
Mind you, both of these dudes have got to be in their thirties. I’ve never needed anyone to accompany me to a bathroom since I was a kid unless we were about to fuck. So you know nosy ass Hannah starts with more questions.
“Who’s that? Why he naked? Why his Life Coach gotta go with him to the bathroom? MmmHmmm…”
Fire this bitch. She’s too nosy and hasn’t done a damn thing but gossip with the nondescript Hispanic maid/friend since she got there.
Suddenly, John is back home to curse out his disappointing son, who is now fully clothed. After he finishes berating Hot White Son he turns to the discount Suzanne Sugarbaker to look at her like ‘Damn I’m glad I had me some black coochie today’
THEN, their daughter Amanda arrives with a friend from Law School named Candace.
She’s beautiful, and a whore. Because Candace is CANDY!!! John and Candy lock eyes and say nothing. Hot White Son starts to look at Candy with the Titty Lickin’ Eyes. His “Life Coach” is not pleased by Hot White Son’s lust for whatever reason (side eye) and Katheryn looks hungry.
Next scene it’s revealed in Amanda’s bedroom that Candy will be joining the Cryer’s for some kind of party they’re throwing later at their home. Candy pulls out her dress for the evening to show Amanda and Amanda shits on it with her own choice of three designer dresses picked out by her mother Katheryn.
“Why do you dress so matronly? You need to wear a dress that will show your curves?” Candy informs her. That’s probably the same line Kit De Luca gave Vivian in Pretty Woman before she introduced her to the fun-filled wild nights of selling pussy for cash.
LATER AT THE PARTY
Candy’s there in her sparkly red Showtime Synergy dress, titties poppin’ and the slit of the dress is in the front for easy access because, as we need to be reminded again, Candy’s a hoe (we didn’t get that Tyler. Thanks for the reminder)
Beronica! arrives with her husband (Peter Parros who, years ago, played Dr. Ben on a soap opera I never watched, yet still knew who the hell he was. I never forget a handsome brotha. NEVER) and they trade light banter with the Cryer’s. Their son Jeffrey, aka “Life Coach” is there too. Doing what? Sitting next to Hot White Son coaching his life of course. Amanda looks bland and tasteless. And then Hannah arrives with glasses of champagne and sees Candy right around the time that Candy reveals that her mother had died years ago. Hannah’s speechless for a few moments until Beronica! informs her that she needs to be serving drinks, not gawking at her betters.
Instantly Hannah spills all the champagne over Candy’s chocolate pudding titty lumps.
But that ain’t all she spills!
She runs back to Selene and tells her that Candy is her daughter!
Yeah man. But really, is that a shock?
Hannah confronts her sparkly whore daughter upstairs away from the Cryer’s and tells her to leave those good white folks alone I tells ya. But Candy is unmoved.
Then it’s revealed that Candy has a son! But where the fuck is he? As a part time Law student and full time hoe how does one find the time to take care of a kid?
Only Tyler holds the key to that mystery.
Afterwards Hannah runs back to Selene again and tells her she wants to expose Candy.
“I’m going to tell the Cryer’s EVERYTHING!”
“Shhhhh….” Selene quiets her, putting her index finger up to Hannah’s mouth. “Hush your lips bitch. Keep it to yourself.”
I wish that’s how it really went down, but that’s basically the look she gave her when she told Hannah to do your work and shut the fuck up 8Mile style.
So Hannah, who’s only job duty that day was to serve champagne and she clearly fucked that up, went home. And who was waiting for her at home?
I tell you, for what this show lacks in originality, cohesion and dialog it makes up for in Hot Sons.
(I think Jeffrey will be revealed as Hot Gay Son very soon)
Apparently Hot Black Son (Tyler Lepley) is a million times a better person than Candy.
(And of course he is. Because Tyler hates women…..in his TV shows.)
And this, my friends, lead me to the best line of the night.
Hannah- How can two kids in the same house be raised so differently?”
Hot Black Son- Different Daddies.
Take THAT!!!! You ain’t so holy and sanctified your damn self Hannah. So stop judging people you nosy ass non working, champagne spilling mutha fucka.
IN THE END
Hot Black Son, who is now in his second scene and has no shirt on at all (MmmHmmn) gives Candy a call on her cell to make sure she’s cool. They talk for a while and we’re treated to a softer, more caring side of Candy.
At the end of the night Candy is fast asleep in the guest room when John comes and wakes her up.
They steal away to his study where he informs her ‘Looky here Brown Sugah. Stay away from my family’
And what does Candy say to him?
“I want a hundred thousand dollars AND a car”
John rebuts. “I don’t think so little girl. You have no idea who you’re dealing with”
And what does Candy say?
She walks away, never looking back, because that’s the type of whore boss she is!
But…unknown to the both of them, Hot White Son has heard everything because he was sneaking drinks from the liquor cabinet outside of the study!
This show is terrible. But I will be watching it, only if you want me to. If you enjoyed this recap let me know and I’ll do another one for the second episode, which apparently they already put on TV but I haven’t seen it yet.
Feel free to comment and tell me if you want more.