Empire Re-Cap: Cupid Kills

Empire Season 3 Episode 4: Cupid Kills

Say what you will about Empire but the show is definitely putting in that work to reclaim its spot as damn good television. Last night was another great episode.

Here’s last week’s review.

Let’s Go!

Loretha La Boheme

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Poor Cookie. After her declaration of war with Lucious last week she needs to produce music for XStream so Lucifer can get off her back. But underneath all of this pressure she’s patiently awaiting a phone call from Angelo. She asks Porsha if he’s reached out yet but before she gets a definitive answer she’s approached by three kids playing Frere’ Jacques. Cookie approves of the the impromptu 3rd grade concert, especially when she discovers it was set up by Angelo.

He asks her on a proper date to see opera singer Gia Copeland (Lauren Michelle) and Cookie is excited!

At first.

Because then here comes Lucious.

“You know he dates socialites. You not good enough…” He whispers, then disappears into a huge ball of smoke like Nightcrawler.

But she’s more than up to the challenge. A bit later, in a montage where Cookie throws on a bunch of unused costumes from RuPaul’s Drag Race she settles on a tight, low cut red dress. Looking fly and fabulous as always Cookie is stunned when she arrives to discover that the event is a black-tie affair.

“WAIT!!!” She screams as her driver pulls off, leaving her behind looking like she’s ready to party at Bella Noche’.

Cookie knows it’s about to be some fuckery.

And the first sign of fuckery is everyone staring at her improper attire. The second is when Angelo introduces her to a buncha bougie bitches who looked at her like she just finished lighting a crack pipe in front of their faces.

“Where have you vacationed?” Bougie Dark asks.

“PRISON BITCH!” Cookie says, then walks off with Angelo by her side.

During the performance Gia Copeland sings a selection from La Boheme, and Cookie can’t contain the emotion she feels from the powerful song.

“SING BITCH!!!” She rises to her feet with joy, then realizes that she’s the only one doing it and begins to feel self conscious. She retreats to the bathroom and locks herself in a stall. However, she’s snapped back to attention when she hears the Bougie Bitches talking shit about her.

“She must have thought the cheese and crackers were WIC approved” Bougie Light jokes, and the two of them laugh until Cookie kicks opens the bathroom stall to make her presence known.

“Bitch I got your WIC!” She says. But instead of a beatdown she makes them flinch and then leaves without telling Angelo.

But who needs dates and classy music? She still has to deliver a song to Lucious, who is off doing a whole bunch of other shit we will get into soon.

Last week Hakeem basically called Tiana a whore and said her boyfriend Gram (Romeo Miller) is a bum dude, but Tiana doesn’t want to engage in any type of beef. She just wants to dance, sing and be the best artist that in no way resembles Rihanna EVER! Cookie, thinking about her own situation caught between two men, comes up with a plan.

With Gia Copeland’s help Cookie puts together a song and performance for XStream that incorporates a sample of the song she heard on her date with Angelo. Tiana transforms into Janet Jackson as she dances and gyrates between two men on a smoky stage in front of Cookie, Keem, Becky and Angelo who has come by to show support.

“Cookie I like you. And I think we can make this work.” Angelo says, and Cookie smiles.

And then here comes Lucious.

“You know I love that girl-” Lucious threatens.

“She’s an amazing WOMAN” Angelo corrects him. Then we’re treated to a tale of how Lucious kicked Cookie’s old boyfriend Barry’s ass when he tried to get too close, to which Angelo looks at him like “Whatever Mu’fucka, Kick my ass then.”

Amused, Lucious slithers away.

Let’s Try This One Mo’ Time

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Jamal, who is still dealing with his PTSD, goes to visit Freda in jail again because the last time he yelled at her then had her thrown back into her cell, which was not cool. This time he brings along Counselor Boo Philip (Juan Antonio) who is there to calm his nerves before she arrives.

Once she’s brought out Mally is horrified to see her face beat worse than $1.99 ground round from Save-A-Lot.

She was FUCKED UP. Black eye, busted face, looking like Martin after he got his ass whipped by Hearns (RIP TOMMY!!!!)

14729113_10210390049248816_4172090825563288886_nJamal is genuinely touched by her apology this time, as she says things like ‘This where I need to be. If I get my ass kicked I deserve it’

Mally can’t take seeing Freda in so much pain so he seeks out assistance from Angelo, who refers him to a lawyer that can help get Freda out of jail.

During an emergency bail hearing the new lawyer (who we’ll call Babs for #ByeBitch storytelling purposes) proposes Freda’s release by stating that she was drunk when she shot Jamal and has a history of mental illness (a lie Jamal paid a psychologist to make up for him). Then, before everything comes to a close, Mally vouches for Freda’s character by claiming the reason she’s in jail is because of his delightfully dysfunctional family. And since the judge already knows that the Lyon’s suck ass, he releases her.

Pleased that he could help his friend with his lyin’ Lyon ways, Mally skips on over to Empire to catch Tiana’s XStream performance. Once it’s over Lucious approaches him.

“Good job son!” He congratulates him. “By the way, I had Freda beat up in jail. She was 100% on board with it. Thanks for letting the judge know she’s crazy. Now if she tells anyone I killed her father they’ll just be like ‘Pay no mind to the looney bitch!’ Ta Ta for now!”

Upset, Jamal finds comfort in the arms of his piano as Counselor Boo tries to console him. Before Counselor Boo leaves he notices Jamal about to take his pain meds with scotch.

“Ay yo don’t do that shit?”

“Fuck You!” Phyllis Lyon claps back before poppin’ his pills and drinking the whole glass down in one gulp. Immediately afterwards he begins performing a brand new depressing song.

It seems like he’s always going through changes…

Nessa’s Goodies 

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Lucious Lyon is the devil.

But he’s also a damn good businessman.

He and Dre’ head down to Shine’s crackhouse recording studio to woo Nessa with a recording deal.

But the gag is….so is everyone else. Including discount versions of Rick Ross, Pharrell and Russell Simmons. However, Lucious is not one to be outdone by the competition. He asks Dre’ (who seems completely smitten with Nessa from the first time they see each other) to seal the deal the best way he can with an offer of $2.5M  upon signing.

Of course Keem is not to be left out so he asks “Daddy can I try too?”

“Whatever bitch, just get it done.” Lucious sneers.

Later, as Keem is live on XStream, he invites Nessa and Shine over to his place for expensive champagne and a whole roasted pig (the fuck?) with the Empire logo branded onto it.

Shine thinks it’s all cute, but he’s try’na get to the money.

“How much we talking’?” He asks.

“Um…ain’t got no contract on me son-“

“Write the number down on a napkin? It’s legally binding.” Shine continues.

“Um….ain’t got no pen-“

“Here” Shine finishes, handing him a pen.

Once Keem writes the number down and balls the paper up to hand to Shine like a love note during Study Hall Shine flips the script and shows the live streaming audience what Hakeem wrote.

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Hakeem is such a damn dumb ass.

“Y’all better have more than $2.5 million if you want Nessa!” He tells everyone, then leaves Hakeem behind looking like the silly little boy he is.

Next up is Dre’.

His approach is smooth.

“Baby girl, we from the streets. Shine using you ma. Brothas and sistahs gotta stick together and get this money. You ready?”

“Are YOU ready?” Nessa asks, her eyes filled with lust.

Dre’s plan works. Nessa signs the contract, even though Empire still needs Shine’s signature to make it official.

Dre’ goes back to Lucious with the paperwork and moments later Shine bursts into the office ready to rumble. Him and Dre’ box for a few seconds and then, of course, Shine breaks out his pistol to shoot Dre’.

But not on Lucifer’s watch! He picks up a $250,000 bat he got from Alex Rodriguez and cracks Shine in his leg. Then, as Shine remains on the floor in pain, Lucious pulls his own pistol out.

“Sign bitch.” He says, throwing the contract at him.

Well, Shine is ready for a real war now. At the end of the episode Shine stands at the head of a table piled high with guns instructing his goons “We gonna get those mutha fuckas! WHERE NESSA AT??!”

Nessa’s at Dre’s place preparing for her guaranteed slice of the Legendary Lyon Dick. Dre’ mounts her, rips her panties off and then stops.

“I can’t…” Dre’ says.

“It’s cool.” Nessa says. “I know you just lost your wife.”

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“Girl please, you good!” Rhonda pops up in Dre’s crazy little mind once again wearing sexy Afterlife Essentials lingerie. “Oooh Mr. Lyon. Let’s fuck Brown Sugar together like the good ol’ days.”

“What?” Dre asks.

“COME ON! It’ll be fun.” Rhonda says, licking Dre’s back giving him next-level Casper pleasure.

Highlights

– Becky with the Good Hair came back to remind everyone why we love her so much. Lucious tried to come for her and she wasn’t having any of it! Also, the character of new A&R Rep Xavier Rosen (Samuel Hunt) was a bit off-putting for me. Don’t go slapping another white person on the show just because your resident white person is gone (sort of).

– Lil’ Cookie and Lil’ Lucious were back! I wish they could get their own show because I would watch that shit. I love seeing Lucious and Cookie before all the drama and deception.

– Cookie’s dad seems like a very level headed brotha. I wonder if the producers are preparing us for his arrival much like Gran’mom Mary last season.

– And speaking of last season I’m so mad that Cookie’s real name is Loretha. It seems like it was a gag they pulled during SST (Shitty Season Two) and now that’s gonna be her name forever. Oh well.

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– I was happy when Dre’ and Lucious kicked Shine’s ass! Is this a new direction they’re going to take his character in? If so, I like it!

– Finally, I enjoyed Dre’ and Nessa’s chemistry onscreen. Provided Shine doesn’t murder him when the show comes back they may have a great storyline.

Aiight y’all. It’s our first hiatus. Catch you in a few weeks. Enjoy the World Series if you’re a baseball fan!

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