Empire Season 2 Episode 8: My Bad Parts
I think this week was better than last week, but that’s still not saying much.
Here’s last week’s review if you need to know what’s going on (although I don’t think anyone knows what’s going on at this point)
My Bad Parts
Lucious is the messiest bitch on television right now. Messier than any of Andy’s bottom bitches or Mona’s harem of harlots. When Lee Daniels created Lucious Lyon he created the word mess personified.
And speaking of messes, I don’t care what anyone says. Lee Daniels hates Becky (Gabbie Sidibe) because he continues to dress her like a refugee from planet NoFucks.
Last night she looked like a walking game of Tetris as she pleaded with Lucious to not bring any more mess into their messy lives. But Lucious being Lucious, he chose to hit the reset button on her peacemaking ass and unleashed his newest weapon.
In a scathing attack against Hakeem aptly named ‘Shots Fired’ Freda Gatz (Bre-Z) called Hakeem a pussy in many different ways (You ain’t no King. Daddy’s little girl) in a room full of bloggers.
Within moments Freda’s battle rap got back to Hakeem, who was just about to give Laura her first sample of the Legendary Lyon dick.
And he is not pleased. He films his own video calling out Studtasia to an epic rap battle that’s guaranteed to put 8Mile to shame!
Meanwhile Jamal finally has a reason to not be so sad tonight. Pepsi comes a’knockin’ with plans of using his music and image to turn him into a SUPASTAH!
And of course Lucious, never one to be left out of the spotlight, offers to help Jamal write the song before darting back to his office to have a quick meeting with CrazySexyCool Dre’ and Mimi The Villainous Lesbian (aka LesVillain) about some shit nobody really cares about because Where’s Cookie???
She’s also helping Jamal write his song for Pepsi!!!
But aside from helping Jamal Cookie still has a thing going on with Laz, and Hakeem does not approve. After having his balls chopped off and turned into earrings by Freda Hakeem needs his Man Card back and wants everyone to know that he ain’t no joke! He disrespects Laz inside of Cookie’s office and when Laz pushes him like the disrespectful little brat that he is Cookie jumps up and slaps the shit outta Laz proving to everyone in the room that she ain’t no joke!
Laz needs to understand that Cookie’s Nookie is a privilege, not a damn right so don’t you get too comfortable.
Later Lucious and Cookie both find out that they’re working with Jamal on the Pepsi song. At first they disapprove then Jamal puts his foot down and reminds them that they’re a family blah blah bullshit bullshit. So of course the two of them being the stellar parents that they are they decide to put their “hatred” for each other to the side long enough to record the song.
Jamal performs the song for Pepsi using both Lucious and Cookie’s inputs and, of course, they loved it because last night’s episode was brought to you by Pepsi.
Now it’s time to get to the most important part of the evening!!!
First Round goes to:
Second Round goes to:
The WINNER IS……
HAKEEM! Because this show is all about the dysfunctional light skinned Lyon family so naturally Hakeem won the battle even though Freda was the better lyricist by a long shot.
Then in a shocking twist Hakeem destroys the sign hanging above bearing his name, renouncing his last name like it was an homage to Prince Akeem back on the subway in Coming to America.
Now Lucious is sad 🙁
See how a messy bitch does? Causing all kinds of drama then getting upset when the drama doesn’t go their way. Have several seats Lucious Leakes.
So how does one celebrate winning an epic battle on a TV show they never would have won in real life?
By receiving a visit from long lost auntie Candice (Vivica A. Fox…FINALLY) who is screaming at the top of her lungs to speak to her sister LOREATHA!
Loreatha is not pleased.
Candice has arrived to inform Cookie that their sister Carol (Tasha Smith) has abandoned her children to run off and smoke crack, to which Cookie replies with a huge ‘Fuck if I care!’
That’s when Candice drops the phrase that pays;
If seventeen years in prison has taught you anything it’s definitely how to dress like a monkey and talk like a pimp.
I hollered!! I’d like to end the review there but before I go I must get into the fuckery that is BooBoo Kitty:
- She’s gone from being a strong, powerful woman into a desperate, thirsty cougar Thot because……
- She’s pregnant by Hakeem
- Before she could tell Hakeem about the baby he informed her about his love for Laura the Virgin, dropping smooth pimp lines like “We still homies. I think you still dope.” (That whole scene was like bad dinner theater)
- She has a heart to heart with Rhonda (who’s finally beginning to show) which somehow leads her to the decision of kidnapping Laura the Virgin after the epic battle while wearing one of Rhonda’s good wigs.
Highlights from My Bad Parts
- I normally tune out whenever Lucious and LesVillain’s scenes are on because they bore me to tears and make no sense. Just like last night. They seem to hate each other now after last week’s tearful threesome.
- LesVillain’s storyline better get activated soon or else she’s just going to come across like a delusional cruel lesbian who shows up late to meetings wearing Col. Sanders’ pajamas.
- Anika and Rhonda better pray their usefulness on this show increases or they’ll be starring in the real life version of Two Broke Girls
- Shouts to Funkmaster Flex for hosting the epic battle and collecting that nice FOX check! It made the battle feel authentic.
- Freda as a character is very one dimensional, but Bre-Z the rapper is a beast! The line that won her the battle for me was ‘tell Cookie get the milk ’cause her baby keep on crying’!’
And Loreatha still was not pleased.
Until next week.