Empire Season 3 Episode 5: One Before Another
I am not feeling it today, and you know why.
I’ll write about that tomorrow but today I’ma try to make you laugh.
The recap for episode 4 (Cupid Kills) is here.
Let’s do this together people. I know you need it.
Since Lucious is a gangster, he knows that Shine will be coming back for retribution after Dre’ whooped his ass. Therefore he ups his security by riding with Anika and baby Bella in an armored truck and sending a portion of his security team to collect the other members of his family.
Unfortunately, for Andre, he sends the team a little too late.
While Andre’ is chest nekkid in the kitchen of Mally’s apartment cooking eggs after giving Nessa the Legendary Lyon Dick, Shine bursts in with a gun ready to kill him. The first gun jams, but no worries. Shine pulls out ANOTHER GUN but Nessa rushes into the kitchen and stops him. She pleads for him to not kill Dre’, and Shine agrees, promising to kill him later. Dre’ was unfazed the entire time, until Shine and his goons left with Nessa in tow. Then his inner bitch poured out of him like “Shit! I could have died.”
After all of the Lyon’s are brought together back at Empire Lucious informs them that the main reason for their gathering is to remind Cookie that Tiana owes him a single and to make sure Hakeem is good for his upcoming concert on XStream that must make Empire some money.
Jamal, who’s still all booze and pills from almost dying from his gunshot wounds, wants a chance to perform again but he’s not quite ready to touch a stage yet so he entices Keem with a sick beat and the proposition of the two of them doing the XStream concert together from his living room. Keem is hesitant at first, but then agrees.
They shoot over to Leviticus to live stream about their joint venture, just when Tiana’s new rapper boo Gram (Romeo Miller) bursts in challenging Keem to a battle. Keem starts with his phony Tough Tony act but Mally dismisses Gram and eventually him and his boys leave. Through quick reasoning they discover that Lucious was the one who told Gram to come fuck with them, and of course Mally is pissed.
He goes to see Lucious at Empire and basically tells him “Dad, stop fuckin’ with Keem! You’re not gonna fuck with his life like how you fucked with Freda’s.”
“Oh you’re here?” Lucious asks. “Fuck outta my office. I do what I want! And you’re just like me, except with all the dick love and shit.”
God Lucious is evil. So evil that later when Keem pays a visit the the House of Horrors, while holding baby Bella like he’s Maleficent about to place the curse on Sleeping Beauty, he tells him to stop acting like a little bitch and bring back that monster to battle and destroy Gram. He’s basically trying to keep the drama going, but at this time Keem don’t want no parts of any of it.
A bit later, we’re treated to Cookie showing up to see her parole officer (which she has NEVER done in three seasons so it was good to be reminded that she is, in fact, a convicted felon) dressed like one of JJ’s girlfriends from a lost episode of Good Times. When she arrives Cookie’s P.O., who’s used to seeing Cookie every three months and normally very friendly, is not having it.
“Bitch where you been? Why you late? Go piss in the cup now!”
Confused, Cookie believes that the reason she’s being treated like a criminal by her P.O. is because of Angelo’s upcoming push to become the mayor. When he swings by to see her later she’s pissed.
“You keeping’ tabs on me mutha fucka?!” She asks, and Angelo is utterly confused. “Is it ’cause you try’na be mayor?”
“Whatevah, GET OUT!!”
Not knowing exactly what the hell just happened Angelo leaves.
Meanwhile Mally and Keem rehearse at Leviticus for the upcoming show. Mally, of course, adds his slow, sad, sappy vocals to the track and then Keem comes with the anger he was told to start using by his evil father earlier in the episode.
Mally is like “Why you so mad son?”
Keem spits back “Fuck you! I’m not the one who needs this, you do! Let me do me.”
Later, in an attempt to squash their ongoing beef, Shine shows up with Nessa to meet with Dre’ and Lucious. It starts off really bad, then gets worse, and just before Shine chalks up the deuces Anika strolls in with a huge lie about Lucious wanting to give Shine his own imprint label. The lie works as it soothes Shine’s ego. He initially asks to bring Nessa to the label with him but that’s not possible since she’s under an Empire contract. His next choice?
“Who? The Season 2 broad? Oh fuck her. Deal!” Lucious immediately gives her away.
Later on Mally and Keem’s fight needs to be handled by Momma Cookie, who comes to Keem’s nasty ass pussy palace and tells them both to get their shit together (for the family, of course). They both agree to let it go and put their differences aside.
“These XStream numbers ain’t gettin’ higher! And none of Keem’s followers are tuning in.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Cookie shoos him away. “Go drip that pomade juice over there David Ruffin.”
Displeased, Lucious needs to stir up some drama like he’s Wendy Williams so he goes over to fuck with Keem some more.
“Yo, why didn’t you finish that beef with Gram? You know he ain’t shit and he’s fuckin’ Tiana.”
“Man I don’t care about that. I’m try’na get with Nessa.” Keem reveals.
Lucious points at him and laughs. “Yo you real corny! Andre’ already fucked her and he gave her that crazy, ghost threesome dick so she ain’t goin’ nowhere!”
PISSED, Keem completely throws out his original verse about brotherly love and comes directly at both Mally and Dre’.
It basically went a little like this;
“Jamal you a BITCH! Andre’ you a BITCH! I’m number one! Thanks Dad!” *drops mic*
After that, Dre’ and Mally are ready to tear Keem’s high top fade off and feed it to him while the cameras are rolling (at Lucious’ insistence of course because #DadGoals). But Momma Cookie shuts that shit all the way down by ripping out cables, pushing cameramen and yelling “CUT, BITCH. CUTTTTTTT!!!!!!”
By the end of the episode the Lyons are no longer friends (again) and the whole world has bore witness to their dysfunction once more. However, Lucious did get the kind of attention and numbers on XStream that he was looking for, so that’s one good thing….I guess. Angelo shows up to Empire with Cookie’s P.O. and her supervisor, who happens to be a friend of Angelo’s, to clear his name.
“I saw that shit on XStream tonight Cookie” Angelo said, and Cookie sighs. “I know you think I’m not a fighter. But I’ma always fight for you baby”
Moist, Cookie smiles knowing that she got herself a good man.
“And Fuck Lucious!” He adds. “I ain’t scared of him.”
The sound you heard next was the splash of Cookie’s love coming from her nether regions after realizing that Angelo was in it for the long haul.
In the closing moments we learn that it was actually Tariq who put the squeeze on Cookie’s P.O. And as he and Shine have a discreet conversation across the street from Freda’s barbershop, Shine begins rattin’ about how Freda is Frank Gathers’ daughter and that he and Lucious were locked up at the same time of his murder.
Methinks Tariq may try to get Freda to rat on Lucious, which probably wouldn’t be a bad idea considering all the hell he’s put her through.
– Becky with the Good Hair made some power moves that blew up in her face last night. Still pissed about not being selected as A&R she advises Tiana to sing a song that Cookie never authorized, all while trying to gain the support of current A&R rep Xavier (Sam Hunt), who initially tells her that he’s feeling the song while it’s being recorded in the studio. However, he goes to Cookie afterwards and tells her about Becky’s defiance.
After the debacle with XStream Cookie comes back to Empire and scolds Becky for not listening by pushing Tiana’s release date back and ordering her to record the song she originally asked her to. Tiana immediately fires Becky. Stunned, Becky asks Xavier “Why you ain’t have my back?”
His reply before walking away “It’s just business”
– Ok….why was baby Bella dark skinned at 8:25 and light skinned at 8:52??? Get your continuity write Brotha Daniels 😉
– This is the most important highlight; The fact that I could write this feeling as low and down as I’m sure most of you do. But I know life goes on. We will all get through it together or die at the hands of those who want us to suffer. I refuse to let those mutha fuckas win.
Hope this made you smile today.