Empire Season 3 Episode 8: The Unkindest Cut
Last night’s episode was a ton of Whoa. And I know that Empire lost a lot of viewers with last year’s What The Fuck? Storyline but for those of us who still watch it this is why we hung on for so long.
If you need last week’s recap it’s here.
Let’s get it started!
The Apple and the Tree
Lucious employs Thirsty to dig up some dirt on Tariq since he knows he’s still out there waiting to drop the hammer on him. And what Thirsty finds is unbelievable.
Tariq has no known vices or weaknesses, but Lucious tells him to keep looking because something is bound to turn up.
Later on Lucious has high tea with Anika and Gran’mom Mary (whose name has been changed to Leah, which is some bullshit because I been callin’ her Gran’mom Mary since she got here. So Gran’mom Leah it is now). And of course, they all trade common pleasantries.
“Momma shut the fuck up and eat these little cakes.” Lucious says.
“Bitch stay out my lipstick and drawls!” Anika says.
“LAWD HELP ME!!! THESE NIGGAS BEAT ME AND STARVE ME!!” Leah yells, capturing the attention of fellow diners and Tariq’s undercover agent who’s planted behind their table. From outside Tariq is prepared to compromise the investigation by running in to save Leah, however he comes up with a better plan. While Leah is at a doctor’s appointment he comes in to talk to her.
“Miss Leah, I will protect you from them.” He says. “I just need some information from you.”
“Good. I can’t stand that Day-Glo heifer or my nappy S-Curl wearing son.” She says. They devise a plan to meet up again to discuss Lucious, so she pretends to have a gynecologist’s visit while stuck with two of Lucious’ guards. But once she’s taken back for her exam Tariq is waiting for her. The two of them talk outside while she scarfs down ice cream cones like they’re crazy pills.
“Them two have dirty nasty sexy.” She relays, referring to Lucious and Anika who I had no idea were still fuckin’.
And having that new knowledge made me feel filthy and violated.
But Tariq could care less about them.
“What was my dad like?” Tariq asks, and then the two of them talk about he and Lucious’ father Joe.
At the end of the episode Lucious returns home to find Anika in their dining room wearing some shit she probably bought from Vanity’s estate sale earlier this year. She goes around the room breaking expensive items before straddling Lucious on the dining room table and begging for a reheated slice of the Legendary Lyon Dick. But before the timer goes ‘DING!’ a disgusted Leah bursts into the room.
“Y’all get y’all nasty asses offa there! That’s where I eat!”
Lucious quickly rose from the table and followed her into another room. He came up behind her, placed his tie around her neck and spun her around.
“Our plan is working Dwight.” She said. “I told Tariq all kinds of bullshit about you today.”
“Good shit mom!” He hi-fived her. “And great job at the restaurant. You sho’ know how to act crazy-“
“That’s ‘cuz I ain’t actin’ boo.” Leah said smiling. “And he’s sooooo jealous of you. Use that shit baby.”
“I will!” Lucious said, kissing Leah and walking back to give Anika some greasy 1960’s pomade dick.
I Got The Music In Me
Jamal is still trying to work through his issues with performing. And once he agrees to sing for Angelo’s upcoming fundraiser (more on that in a bit) he knows that he has to get his shit together.
So he reaches out to Therapy Boo Phillip to help him get over his stage fright.
Phillip, who somehow came across a shitload of money since the last episode, has a virtual reality program designed to help Jamal get back on track. Jamal, looking like the black Cyclops, puts the VR glasses on and a crowd is generated right before his very eyes.
“Sing bitch” Phillip says, and Jamal begins playing the piano. The virtual crowd is into it just when Virtual Freda runs up! Startled, Jamal takes the glasses off.
“It’s so real.” He says.
“I know, now sing bitch!” Phillip instructs, and Jamal agrees. Virtual Freda is still there eventually pulling out a gun. This time Jamal doesn’t flinch.
And then here come Lucious.
The real Lucious.
“The fuck is goin’ on in here?” He asks, ripping the VR glasses off of Mally’s face.
“What do you want Dad?” Jamal asks.
“I heard you’re performing at Angelo’s fundraiser. You can’t perform that song you sang last week because I’ma hit you across the face with a bag of nickels if you do.”
As the two of them engaged in wonderful father/son banter Phillip is still monitoring Jamal’s heart rate, noticing that it rapidly escalates as soon as he begins interacting with Lucious.
“And also, if you do choose to sing at that bougie affair and you fuck up, I’m firing your ass.”
“But Dad! This therapy is gonna help-“
Lucious laughs. “Bitch you in here with clamps on your titties and shit. Get it together or be on the street!”
Then, he leaves. Because that’s what he does; comes through. Fucks up shit. And leaves.
Well, just like Jennifer Lopez, Mally has had ENOUGH!!
At the end of the episode he calls everyone over.
“I got a new song y’all.” He says smiling.
They all groan in unison.
“God, where’s the wine?” Cookie asks.
“And the razor blades. “Dre’ adds.
“SHUT UP!” Jamal screams. “Y’all are gonna like this one.”
And once again Mally sings as more of Cookie’s home videos featuring her father, her sister and her sexy white heels play on monitors in the background. Lucious walks in during the performance, and it isn’t a very nice song. Basically Jamal said this;
Dad I hate you. You killed our grandfather, ruined mom’s life and are basically a really mean person with hate in your heart and doo doo in your soul.
Lucious was not pleased.
“Y’all wanna judge me??? I bet y’all would be surprised to find out your mother was the one who ordered the hit on Freda’s father.”
How many of y’all forgot that???
I know I did. And the room fell into awkward silence. And how did Lucious follow that up?
He turned to Cookie and said, “I will NEVER apologize for loving you.”
Then he left.
And that’s how Satan tells the woman he loves that he will always love her.
And now, we wait……
Whatever It Takes
Cookie and Angelo are still going strong with their romance, and even his mother Diane (or Diana depending on who says her name, portrayed by the iconic Phylicia Rashad) is along for the fascinating ride into the Lyon Dynasty.
And since the Lyon’s are always looking for new ways to generate cash they’ve joined up with noted fashion designer Helene Von Wyeth (the equally iconic GINA GERSHON!!!).
Cookie has teamed up with Helene’s HVW fashion house to feature Tiana in a music/fashion show collaboration. The main problem is that Helene is an unapologetic racist, and her models look like call girls from the Aryan Nation collection at Ashley Madison. No problem for Cookie though because she would sell the devil ice water if it meant he’d heat up a pot of greens while her electricity and gas were off. So fuck Tiana’s feelings, this is business.
Diane and Helene, old friends because they’re both rich and powerful, began discussing the upcoming Captain’s Ball, which Diane decides to use as a fundraiser for Angelo’s campaign. She then has a brilliant idea- Jamal should sing at the ball.
“Umm…no.” Cookie says, her heart strings finally being tugged, but Jamal is intrigued. Cookie is apprehensive because of Jamal’s PTSD, but Mally soothes her fears with a very shaky “It’s time Mom.”
Yup! Time for you to fuck up again, so we’ll all be patiently awaiting next weeks finale to see how bad you do.
Meanwhile down the hall CrazySexyCool Dre’ is mumbling to himself once again, hearing Rhonda’s voice of death cooing to him about Nessa.
“That bitch don’t know you. Watch how you fuck this up!” She whispers, just at the same time when Nessa comes and touches his shoulder lovingly.
Dre jumps. “THE FUCK YOU WANT?!”
“Baby you good? You were talking in your sleep last night.” Nessa asks with concern, but of course he doesn’t listen. Instead he tells Nessa that Empire is about to team up with Helene so they both trot off to Leviticus to watch Tiana rehearse.
Nessa is impressed by Tiana’s poise and stage presence and tells Dre’ “I want to be like her!”
Dre’ tracks Cookie down at Empire, knowing that he has to apologize for missing her dinner party.
“Mmmhmm…you shoulda been there mu’fucka.” She says.
Dre gives her the puppy dog eyes. “But I was with Nessa. I’m finally moving on after Rhonda died three weeks ago.”
“Oh boo….OK. We good. Now what you want?”
Dre’ lets Cookie know that Nessa is trying to learn as much from Tiana as possible so he asks if there’s any room for her to shadow Tiana before the upcoming show. Cookie says yes and Nessa begins following Tiana around. But tragedy strikes when Nessa accidentally burns one of Helene’s dresses, the exact dress Tiana was going to wear during her performance.
“HOW DARE YOU!!!” Tiana screams. “You know how much this dress costs? And Helene is a #blacklivesmatter hating, Heil Hitler serving racist with a creepy daughter and a wig that looks like a dead Ewok!”
Luckily Porsha stepped in and pulled Tiana away because she knew Nessa would have thrown her skinny ass through a wall.
“Somehow” (because Nessa filmed it), Tiana’s rant made it to the blogs and social media, cuing up Helene to fire her from the White Like Us fashion show.
Next up, Dre’ stops by Helene’s loft to discuss using a different Empire artist while she’s eerily brushing her daughter’s hair.
And who is his top choice?
“How about Nessa Parker?” He asks.
“Who Midnight? Fuck no!” Helene scoffs. “Get the fuck outta my house spewing nonsense about some darkie broad wearing my white frocks! Muhahahahahaha!!!!”
“OK Cruella, I got you.” Dre says, turning around before leaving. “And your daughters hair is BOMB! What is that, Yakky 6?”
“Bitch, the door!” Helene instructs, and Dre’ leaves.
However, “mysteriously” (because Dre’ had it done), the next morning all of Helene’s daughter’s hair has been cut off her head leaving her looking like Ricky Schroeder on Silver Spoons.
Finally understanding the nature of the Lyon beast Helene runs back to Cookie and pleads “Put Nessa in the show bitch. I’ll make new clothes and swap out my mayonnaise models for meat eatin’ sistahs. WHATEVER! Just, please, tonight….put her in the show.”
And the entire show was retooled from White Winter Wackness to the Black Girl Magic showcase.
Nessa SLAYED it!
Cookie, Angelo and Mama Diane all watched in awe as Nessa ascended higher into her rising stardom, but something about all of it didn’t sit well with Cookie while watching Dre and Helene’s interaction.
“Bitch RUN!!! You don’t want it with the Lyons-“ Helene screamed.
Helene grabbed her closer “Did you not hear me?? RUN BITCH RUNNNNNN!!! For the hills!” She concluded, then fixed her wig and got the fuck out of there as fast as she could.
At that very moment Diane began having second thoughts about her son’s choice of woman.
And finally, as their drama came to an end, Cookie put everything together.
“Yo son, that’s real fucked up how you did Tiana-“
“Man whatever. Nessa is my lady. We put this plan in action and everything is good now Ma!” He said, giving her a kiss and then rejoining his partner in crime.
Like I said before; Dre’ and Nessa are the new Cookie and Lucious.
– Dre’! That’s all I gotta say. CrazySEXYCool Dre’ was the highlight. So glad they’re using Trai Byers’ superb acting ability as the young cunning Lucious. And Sierra McClain is coming into her own as a formidable character in this crazy world. Clearly she’s no longer one of Daddy’s little girls.
– That last scene was everything. I know that a lot of people stopped watching after last season’s inconsistency, but for those of us who hung on we were treated to two Oscar nominated actors doing their thing. And it was a great episode overall.
Finale next week y’all! I have no idea how things are going to play out. Also keep in mind that the finale will be shown at 8 and the sneak peek of the show Star begins afterwards. Are you gonna watch?
Until next time.