Empire Season 2 Episode 7: True Love Never
I want this show to do well. I want it to be as good as it was earlier this year when it first started.
But maybe it’s never been a good show?
In any case, as I stated before, Empire is beginning to suck.
Here’s last night’s episode broken down for you.
True Love Never
Once again Cookie is getting dicked down. Last season she got some of Lucious’ old dick then she snuggled up to Malcolm (Derek Luke, who completely disappeared by the way) and got some good Kevin Costner The Bodyguard dick where she infamously beckoned in a drunken stupor ‘Take these cookies!’
Now, she’s getting some hot Latin dick from Laz (Adam Rodriguez), the party promoter or whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be. But unbeknownst to her Laz is affiliated with those bastards that whipped the bitch into Hakeem’s Tough Tony act a few weeks ago!
After Cookie and Laz’s marathon fuckfest, where Porsha shows up and delivers Chinese food or something, at no point did she notice the Longhorn Steakhouse tattoo on his back?
Meanwhile over at Empire Records Lucious and Freda Gatz (who looks like a hardcore stud dressed as Fantasia for Halloween) are in the studio rapping. Freda (portrayed by Philly native/lyricist Bre-Z) can spit, but every time she touches the mic Lucious feels the need to chime in with his PopPop hip hop and all that does is make our souls shrivel up and die like salt on slugs.
Translation: Lucious stop. Please stop
Another mutha fucka that needs to stop is Jamal. Yes, I know I said I love Jamal, and I do. But goddamn! He’s like the Mary J. Blige of Empire. Every song he sings is sad as shit. Like ‘Why do people keep pissing in my cereal??’ kind of sad. Perhaps if he properly dealt with his breakup with Michael (Rafael de la Fuente) he could get back into the studio and record another upbeat track like ‘You’re So Beautiful’. But also, where the fuck is Michael? He hasn’t been seen since that dusty hipster douchebag blew him on the balcony a few weeks ago.
(Sidebar: Characters on this show appear and disappear like potato salad and ribs at a cookout)
A little later, back at Project Stairs Records (aka Lyon Dynasty) we’re treated to a new song from Mirage a Trois, who could easily pass for the Thot granddaughters of the Ronettes.
The lyrics to the song mention classy luxury items like bottomless mimosas and yoga pants (aka Basic Bitch Stew). Cookie notices that Laura (Jamila Velazquez) is the weakest link when Carmen, a woman that just last week was referred to as ‘Who?’, upstages her during rehearsal. That’s when Tiana (Serayah), who was just robbed a few weeks ago at the same studio, teaches Laura some of her sexy tricks to make her a sexy trick.
Meanwhile back at Empire Lucious and CrazySexyCool Andre are with MiMi ‘Villainous Lesbian’ Whiteman (Marisa Tomei) plotting some shit. Who knows, I stopped paying attention by that point.
Andre’s crazy, and his pastor creeps me the fuck out.
And what the hell is going on with Rhonda? Is she really pregnant? She’s been helping dig up bodies and exercising like Jane Fonda all season. I think the little white girl is tellin’ some little white lies. But the way this shit’s going they’ll probably just scrap the pregnancy altogether and forget to tell us in the hope that we’ll forget too.
And Finally there’s Lucious, who went from one extreme to the next during this episode, and none of it made any damn sense.
- He played a fucking sitar.
- He asked Andre to sleep with the deputy mayor, who I had completely forgotten all about. But you know, potato salad and ribs, right?
- He and LesVillain (who also disappeared from the show for a few weeks much like how she disappeared from A Different World almost 30 years ago) decide to launch a music streaming service with the assistance of a renowned tech geek. Then later, after knocking out and drugging the tech geek he met with earlier in the episode, Lucious , LesVillain and an unnamed girl we’ll never see again (much like Valentina) engage in a creepy threesome where LesVillain cries into a phone, Lucious grabs the phone to defend her honor and then reminds her that the two of them have the Springtime.
Bitch, it’s Thanksgiving!
4. Then, just before the creepy tearful Springtime threesome begins Lucious grabs a gun from his office, calls Freda at 4 in the morning and the two of them spit bars in the studio.
Yes I know.
Highlights from True Love Never
- Cookie looks like a cross between Pebbles and Synergy in that purple jumpsuit. They should have cast her in that god awful Jem movie, maybe it wouldn’t have tanked as hard.
- Only on Empire can a cute Latina start singing ‘I Will Survive’ in Spanish in front of a bunch of people (in New York, mind you) and everyone stops to listen and cheer. Try that shit in reality. If it did’t work for Brandy then the shit wouldn’t work for you either
- Adam Rodriguez’s beard is the true star of this episode. I never thought anything could make him better looking.
- Cookie’s wardrobe budget is why this show sucks so much ass now. There’s no money left to pay good writers.
- WHERE THE FUCK IS ANIKA?!! I need her to come back and do something.
I guess Cookie is the main dame on this show. Tossing more shade at Boo Boo Kitty than palm trees.
Hopefully it will be better next week, but I doubt it. Either way, I’ll be watching.