Empire Season 3 Episode 3: What Remains Is Bestial
What a fitting title, because last night all of these crazies acted like a bunch of savages. Episode 3 more than made up for last week’s snoozefest.
Lot’s to cover so let’s get to it
Lucious Lyon’s Haunted House of Horrors
Now that Anika is a permanent resident in Lucifer’s looney bin she needs to find ways to keep her mind occupied, since being a mother to her newborn and trying to stay alive clearly isn’t exciting enough. She visits Lucious in his home office and while she pours her heart out Lucious lies back and watches, creepily listening and looking like Satan with an S-Curl. Anika asks Lucious “Do you think I can be head of A&R at Empire?”
Lucious almost doubles over in his seat.
“What’s wrong?!!!” She asks.
Nothing at all! Lucious isn’t in pain. He’s in the throes of pleasure after receiving oral delights from Anika’s former assistant Pia, who reveals herself from underneath the desk after she’s provided a safe space for his unborn children to rest.
How ironic that Anika was asking about becoming a head while Lucious was gettin’ some head. Gettin’, gettin’ some–
Pissed, Anika storms off. Later, still a prisoner at the Lyon Correctional Facility, she butts heads with Gran’mom Mary.
“Shouldn’t you be watching Bella?” Gran’mom asks.
“Shouldn’t you be dead?” Anika shoots back. Their tension is broken by a package being delivered by the hot, discount Damon from Soul Food delivery man who looks at Anika like she’s a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes.
And Gran’mom Mary notices. She calls Lucious and tells him that Anika is acting up so he rushes home to find her now in his office chair receiving a lesson in proper stamp licking from Discount Damon. Satisfied and amused, Anika reassures Discount Damon that everything is fine as Lucious grabs his gun and chases him out of the office.
He threatens her again “My momma will kill you! Play your position.”
But this year, the writers must have remembered who Boo Boo Kitty is because she looked at him and simply said “No”
She then basically tells him “Look, I’ma do whatever the hell I want to up in this mutha fucka or you’re going to jail. If you go down I go down!”
Lucious says nothing because there really is nothing to say. They’re both fucked and in it for the long haul to avoid their impending mutually assured destruction (Anika’s words, not mine)
Dre’ is having the worse season opener of all the Lyons.
He lost his wife, he’s losing his mind and now he has to deal with being harassed by the police under a ton of media scrutiny. As he leaves the police station after his scuffle with the cops reporters bombard him with questions. One reporter, who we’ll call Monique Wu, shouts at him “Andre’ does this mean you’re a gangster!?!”
Dre goes over to her “This is the kinda shit that goes on everyday in America!”
“Oh Really????” another voice calls out.
Dre’ looks over and sees Rhonda.
Dre’ has no time to chat with ghosts or low budget Julie Chen reporters so he high tails it to Empire to run into the arms of America’s worse parents; Dwight and Loretha Walker.
“Let Thirsty handle this” Lucious says while holding his pitchfork.
“They done messed with the wronnnnnng bitch!” Cookie screams in close proximity.
“STOP IT!” Dre’ snaps, shutting them both up because nobody wants it with CrazySexyCool Dre’. “I’ma handle this on my own.”
So he, Mally and Keem all go down to the courthouse with Dre’s white lawyer Tom Sawyer (that’s not his name but I didn’t like him, so that’s his name now) and as the judge begins reading off Dre’s one and only charge they’re all shocked to discover that there have been additional charges added.
“Just take a deal” Tom Sawyer advises but that’s not an option, and Dre’ lets him know that he has no plans on taking the fall for something he didn’t do.
Just then, an all black party bus arrives. Inside is proud poppa Lucifer Lyon himself.
“Come take this ride” He invites them, and of course they go because he’s their father and they always do what he wants.
The driver takes them to Philly back to their old neighborhood, where Lucious delivers an empowering sermon filled with fatherly love.
“I used to think y’all were just soft, but now I get it. Y’all don’t know you black!” He encourages them with great fatherly advice. But he saves the best words for Dre’ “And you? You don’t know shit about being black since you were married to Rapunzel with the bad bounce”
“Let me out this mutha fucka before I break the door off!” Dre’ snaps, angered by Lucious’ bad choice of words. Dre’ exits the vehicle, followed by Mally.
He turns to Hakeem “You leavin’ too bitch?”
“Driver roll up the partition please and take us back to New York where we belong” Keem demands, pouring a glass of scotch for the long ride back to Empire.
At the end of the episode Dre’, wrought with emotions from his long day, is approached by Uncle Tariq. He reveals that he had the extra offenses added to Dre’s charges in an attempt to scare him into flipping on Lucious. Dre’ is unfazed because he will nevah EVAH turn on his dad.
Tariq is defeated for now, but like roaches in a room when the lights go out….he’ll be back.
The Usual Fuckery
There’s never a dull moment over at Empire. Lucious and Cookie are fighting over Jamal’s Black&White album all while trying to maintain some kind of working relationship.
And none of it is working.
Lucious needs content for XStream and Cookie needs to deliver.
But she has no time for that! She has decided to spend some time with Angelo Dubois (Taye Diggs) and his WOKE foundation. Salty, Lucious decides to trick one of the WOKE kids, a young rapper named Zeah, into signing his life away with a recording contract. Not because he’s hot but mainly because Lucious wants to piss off Angelo and Cookie.
Lucious is such an asshole (I love it!)
Meanwhile Mally, trying to accept his PTSD, joins a support group where he gets absolutely no support at all. The moderator tries to convince Mally to come back for more sessions but of course he has no time for that.
Later, there’s some kind of XStream event with
Rihanna Tiana performing. Keem watches her gyrate and titlate thinking that it’s all for him until she’s joined onstage by ex-thug, gangster turned rapper Gram (Romeo Miller) looking like pissy times R. Kelly from the early 2000’s. They both bump and grind onstage, Gram takes a couple of shots at Keem and his lack of pleasing Tiana in the sack and for Keem thems fightin’ words!
“How he gonna take my girl away!” Keem screams.
“Man shut up, that ain’t ya’ girl!” Mally reminds him.
“I have a suggestion…” Lucious slithers in. “Write a diss track. Come at that bitch neck for not respectin’ you son!”
Sure enough moments later Keem is back in the studio spittin’ a diss tack with Shine at the controls. Once Keem finishes Shine instructs Nessa to sing the hook but she’s not feeling the song or the idea of talking about someone she doesn’t even know. What she does feel, however, are Shine’s hands around her throat once she disobeys his orders. Stunned, Nessa leaves and Keem watches like “Shit, I hope he don’t try to manhandle me like that….I’d die!”
As this all unfolds, Jamal and Cookie visit international superstar (I’m assuming) KITTY! Played by the one and only Mariah Carey dressed as the hood’s answer to Charo.
Kitty wants to sing with Jamal, and at first he turns her down because Jamal don’t like kitty unless it belongs to Skye Summers.
No seriously, he’s still stressed out from his PTSD. After he thinks about it for a while he decides to sing with Kitty only under the condition that their performance is used as content for the struggling XStream in place of Lucious releasing the Black & White album.
Later in the episode, after Lucious’ field trip to the ‘hood to tell his sons what pussies they are, Jamal decides that he needs to really deal with his PTSD. He goes to visit Freda in jail. He’s there for about two seconds before he starts cursing her out.
“YOU RUINED ME!!! I can’t sing no more!” He then turns away. “GUARDS! Throw Fantasia back in her cell!”
That whole scene was pointless.
However, If Lucious’ pep talk did nothing to help Jamal it lit a fire under Hakeem’s ass because he went back to the studio and came up with a song that is sure to dig into both Tiana and Gram’s souls.
And even though visiting Freda brought up some very painful memories, Jamal already agreed to work with Kitty Black Charo so while everyone awaits his arrival in the studio Mally’s off somewhere poppin’ pills. Once he arrives he fucks up as soon as he starts singing, then transforms into Teddy Pendergrass when he requests for someone to turn off the lights so he can pop some more pills while nobody is looking.
What happened next was a beautiful, non-depressing performance from Mally which probably left many wondering why he didn’t start using drugs years ago. It was a great song, but even Lucious knew that Jamal was high as hell while he was singing.
Finally, by the end of the episode, after Cookie discovers that Lucious was trying to steal one of Angelo’s WOKE kids in an attempt to anger her, she bursts into his office and rips the contract up.
“The world doesn’t need anymore rappers baby. Go to school. Do what I didn’t do. Jail ain’t college” She says, then sends him on his way.
But Lucious still has one last magic trick to perform;
He decides to remove all of Cookie’s music from the Black&White album and release it, simply, as the Black album much to Jamal’s displeasure.
Cookie and Lucious have words.
“Y’all all judge me and hurt my feelings” Lucious reveals.
“Fuck yo’ feelings!” Cookie soothes him. “This my company too!”
“Not for long. I want 100% of my shit!”
“Oh you wanna play?” Cookie asks. “It’s Game Time Bitch”
– I like Cookie and Angelo’s interaction. However I know that he’s just there to cause some tension and a rift between Cookie and Lucious. He was barely in the episode this week and I can’t see him having too much more value once #ByeBitch storytelling comes into play soon (remember Laz and Laura?)
Thinking about switching the format up soon. I will still do the recaps but I may change the way I do them. Still thinking about that 🙂
Until next time y’all.