Empire Season 3 Episode 7: What We May Be
First things first;
I apologize for the last review. It wasn’t up to standard and that’s never acceptable. Please accept this recap as my promise to never half step from this point on.
Now get ready to laugh.
Drugs, Death and a Dinner Party
The episode began with a frustrated Cookie cursing Tiana out over the phone. She’s interrupted by her front doorbell ringing to find Angelo, who she broke things off with during the last episode. But he’s determined to continue their relationship.
“I’m still in this? Are you?” He asks.
Instantly she throws him on the couch, unbuckles his pants and says “Yes Daddy. Now get in this pussy.”
Ah black love.
But you know who ain’t gettin’ no love?
Jamal ‘Pills and Dick’ Lyon! Lucious calls him into the Empire office for a meeting to basically call him a little bitch once again and show a clip of controversial gossip girl Charlamagne Tha God referring to him as the Turkey of the Year. Lucious then continues with;
“And why the fuck are you making a video for an album that ain’t even out yet?”
Jamal replies “It’s not a video Dad. It’s a visual album-“
“Bitch you ain’t Beyonce! Get it the fuck together!”
Jamal leaves, no longer concerned with his fathers rantings because there’s more dick and pills waiting for him at home. Meanwhile down the hall Nessa bursts into Dre’s office to invite him to a memorial she and Shine hold annually for their deceased brother Stone. And since Dre’ is a complete badass now that does whatever the fuck he wants to he accepts, just before Shine comes in upset about Freda not wanting to work with him because of the bad blood between her and the Lyon’s.
But Dre’ already has an idea.
Later, Jamal returns home to find both his therapist Phillip and closet boo D Major at his apartment. D Major slips Mally a package, and not the knd he’s used to. This time it’s just pills.
Phillip objects “Why you taking these pills?”
“Fuck you! I’m Phyllis Lyon bitch, I do what I want!” He screams, then Cookie comes in. After joking about Jamal being a hoe she informs him that she’s about to meet Angelo’s mom for the first time, but she came by to hear Jamal’s new music first. This is when he reveals a portion of his visual album. Through three huge television monitors home videos of Cookie and her sisters back in their rough Philly days play, followed by a few shots of her father which completely sends her off the rails.
“TURN THIS SHIT OFF!” She screams, getting up and running out of the room. Confused, Mally runs to see Aunt Carol, who’s now working at Baby Hair on Fleek, aka the Walmart of Weaves. He asks her why Cookie reacted in such a crazy manner, and that’s when Carol reveals The Loretha Holloway Story;
Cookie’s fast ass was out partying and living the drug dealer life with Lucious, stashing his cash and guns so she could buy flyy outfits and sexy white high heels. Well, her dad wasn’t into any of that so one night, as she tried to sneak in the house, Daddy was waiting at the door with her suitcase and the very first #ByeBitch recorded in urban history.
To Be Continued…..
While that’s taking place, On the other side of town Cookie arrives late for her date to meet Angelo’s mom. Disappointed, Angelo scolds her until Cookie reveals why she was late.
This is when we’re treated to the finale of The Loretha Holloway Story;
Speeding through the streets of Philly with Lucious in his ill ass Beemer Cookie comes upon her family home. She jumps out the car and sees her dad being taken out of the house on a gurney.
“He had a heart attack you flyy, dope slingin’ slut! And it’s all your fault!” Candice yells before getting in the ambulance. “You want Lucious, go with him!”
The ambulance pulls off and Cookie cries in the middle of the street, all while Lucious watches like “Bitch are we done here?”
Oh, and the dad died.
“What the fuck does any of this have to do with you not coming to meet my mom?” Angelo asks.
“I’ll make it up to y’all! Dinner, my treat?”
Angelo accepts, requesting that she bring her sons along as well.
Andre’ agrees initially until he finds out that it’s the same night as Stone’s tribute. Hakeem doesn’t really have a choice because he’s scared of Cookie. And of course Jamal will be there because the pills and dick will be waiting for him when he gets home anyway.
Cookie turns to bougie middle sister Candice for tips on how to act classy, just when Lucious interrupts them.
“I heard you try’na have a fancy dinner at this restaurant for Angelo’s bougie ass momma. Well guess what? Me and my homies from jail just bought this mu’fucka for the entire week! Fuck y’all!”
Unfazed Candice suggests that Cookie hosts the dinner at her own place, and it’s a wonderful idea.
As Cookie sashays around in her finest duds she answers the door to invite her first guest in. And it’s none other than PHYLLIS LYON!
This bitch is pilled up for the GAWDS, and Cookie slaps the shit outta him.
“Get yo’ shit together bitch, or you gonna be meeting someone on the moon named JESUS tonight!” She yells. Then Angelo and his mother Diane arrive.
And I know you already know this because you watched, but Angelo’s mother is none other than the iconic, classy, beloved CLAIRE HUXTABLE!!! (AKA (pun intended) Phylicia Rashad)
And when I tell you that Mama Diane came to serve cold side eye as a main course I am not lying! She had more looks than one of RuPaul’s All Stars!
She looked at Jamal like he was crazy. When Hakeem came bursting in with a screaming baby Bella she stared him down with perfect What The Fuck?! eyes. And finally when Lucious and Anika crashed the party looking for baby Bella Mama Diane had had enough.
But then here come Lucious.
“Yeah, that screaming baby is really my granddaughter. My youngest son fucked my wife. Jamal’s favorite cereal is Booty Pebbles. And Andre’s a fuckin’ looney tune.”
“ENOUGH!” Cookie yells. She tells the caterers to go away and then she breaks it down for Diane. “Listen here big Momma my family is the fuck nuts. But I love them. You don’t like it there’s the fuckin’ door. “ She turns to Jamal. “Sing Bitch.”
And he does, and it’s a touching song he dedicates to Cookie because everyone knows Mally is a mama’s boy and Cookie’s favorite. Lucious listens, then Mally turns to him. “See dad. I still got hits!”
Lucious rolls his eyes, collects his wife and baby and leaves.
At the end of the evening Diane and Cookie have a moment to talk woman to woman.
“Girl my family used to be into all kinds of illegal shit too back in the day.” Diane says, then gets serious. “I like you. But don’t fuck up my son’s life, K?”
And the way she said it was kinda like how Cookie would say it if she had class, tact, morals, grace and style. So the understanding was there.
Angelo is happy that his mom likes Cookie and he promises to give her some of that Best Man/Brown Sugar dick after he drops her off.
While all of this is happening many many miles away Shine and Nessa have their memorial for Stone. And you wanna talk about a complete change of scenery? That shit was like a late 90’s Ruff Ryders video shoot, complete with human barking and some very haggard looking mu’fuckas. Still, by the end of the night Andre’ delivers Freda to Shine. She and Nessa perform a song in dedication to Stone and Freda’s father Frank, all while Shine records the performance unbeknownst to everyone.
– Becky with the Good Hair was only in last night’s episode for a few minutes, but her outfit looked like something the kids wear to the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Speaking of which, they’ll have to stop doing that shit now since Trump scares children shitless.
– Porsha talking to Alexa was funny as hell. One of my homegirls has one of those and seeing it on TV made me feel like I just saw one of my friends on TV. I almost yelled out ‘I KNOW ALEXA!’
– They must have dipped into Taraji’s makeup budget to slap some warpaint on Freda. She looked a little softer last night. But please make no mistake she is still StudTasia forever.
Until next time y’all.