I wrote this post about Internet Dating last year when I was trying to grab a guest blogger spot on Cypher Avenue. Unfortunately it didn’t work out and I never got a chance to write for them but this has always been one of my favorite pieces so I’ve decided to share it here. I hope you enjoy it.
Your Six New Friends
by Ben Robinson III
With the advent of internet dating people can go Online to search for dates, sex buddies or even find the love of their life. It seems like this concept has finally taken off within the last couple of years, but some of us (like yours truly) have been using the internet to score ass and love for years.
Before internet dating was in vogue with a multitude of sites ranging in purity from ChristianMingle to adam4adam there was an early 20’s version of myself searching for love, friendship and sex on websites such as the original Black Planet, Yahoo! Personals and the chat rooms at Go.com.
I met the most masculine dudes at Go.com.
God I miss Go.com L
When it comes to internet dating you can consider me an OG in the game. I used to utilize it as the only tool I needed to meet men based out of my fear of meeting people on the street. And this was years before I was comfortable enough to go to a gay bar.
Now, I meet men at work, at supermarkets, bars and various other places because they’re everywhere. I don’t rely so heavily on meeting anyone off the net anymore but that doesn’t mean I won’t log on from time to time just to check it out.
It’s like window-shopping. Sometimes I just want to see the merchandise.
Sometimes the merchandise is bad. Irregular, damaged, stale, the list of adjectives is endless. So let’s have a little bit of fun. I would like to present to you six of the men you will inevitably meet during your On Line experience.
There are a lot of good, honest, decent men out there. They will be upfront with you and tell you what it is they need from you. Conversely, there are a lot of bad, dishonest, indecent men out there that will only tell you what they think you want to hear, lie to you every chance they get and avoid spending time with you at all costs.
The latter turns all of the decent brothas into The Prosecution.
He will never believe anything you say because the guy before you completely fucked him over.
If you don’t answer any of his calls or texts in a timely manner then he automatically thinks you’re out cheating.
If you tell him you’re out with friends he wants to know ‘Which friends?’
The Prosecution is damaged. Not necessarily beyond repair but he’s been hurt so many times by so many different men that he can no longer tell the good ones from the bad ones because they’re all out to hurt him. This man is so self-doubting that even when he has a good man in his life he’s just waiting for the other shoe to drop so he can say to himself ‘I Knew It!!!! All men are the same!!!’
Underneath all of his paranoia and insecurity lies a man who is capable of love. However, before he can love anyone else he has to first accept what happened in his past and not allow it to make him a victim of his present. You would really have to love The Prosecution in order to work with him on rebuilding all of the hurt he holds onto.
The Stone Mason
Much like The Prosecution, The Stone Mason doesn’t trust anyone. But his mistrust lies hidden behind the fact that he’s resigned himself to a long line of fuck buddies and vague interactions with men he enjoys spending time with. He’s not in it for love, he’s solely in it for the idea of meeting and sleeping with as many attractive men as possible.
Granted, these men don’t have to necessarily be out and proud gay or bisexual men either.
They can have attachments like boyfriends or even wives. But none of that matters to The Stone Mason because he’s looking for no strings attached fun where nobody will get hurt. Unfortunately, in regards to The Stone Mason, the guy who’s interested in him always ends up getting hurt because The Stone Mason has built up a wall around everything that makes him humanly approachable. It’s an impenetrable wall that only he has the tools to break through, and the man he does it for won’t be the one he’s the most interested in because then he leaves himself susceptible to exposing his heart to potentially feeling pain once again.
The knowledge of feeling anything scares the hell out of The Stone Mason. Once you’ve revealed your attraction to him he will become distant and uninterested, relegating you to the status of someone who is weak and unworthy of his time. When everything is light and noncommittal he’s your main Go-To Guy. If you plan on dealing with this brotha be prepared to match his behavior or be left wondering why his interest has suddenly faded away.
Whatever you do though, if it doesn’t work out, don’t allow The Stone Mason to transform you into The Prosecution. Cut your losses immediately.
This brotha is phoine! He has a lot of pics on his profile and he is extremely friendly and charming. You two will talk over the net for a while, and then take it another step further with some good old-fashioned phone conversation.
However, in the case of The Siren, that’s where it will stop.
He will entice you with provocations of some of the raunchiest sex you’ve ever had. He’ll even send you pictures of his ass and dick. Hell, he may even send you a video or two.
But when the time comes to get it poppin’……he’s nowhere to be found.
There will be many excuses which all vary in their degree of questionability, but at the base The Siren just likes to know he can have you and whoever else is foolish enough to fall for his beautiful mating call. There may be someone he truly fancies, but The Siren is so enamored with himself that he would rather continue to sing his song to everyone that’s interested in him than to actually settle down.
Think of the guy who posts half naked pictures of himself with captions like ‘Man I wish someone was here with me in this warm bed right now….’
He likes having the control and knows that he leaves men panting in unrequited desire. Unfortunately, The Siren can only get away with these antics while he’s young. After a certain age, when his Siren’s call starts to sound more like desperate laughter from a thirsty middle aged man, he starts to take whatever he can because he knows he’s wasted the majority of his youth on frivolous behavior.
Lord knows that some men are rife with drama. They just can’t seem to allow themselves to react to certain situations rationally. Every moment is a scene in the Lifetime movie that is their life. Whether it’s ex-boyfriend drama, baby mama drama, family drama, work drama, friend drama or self-inflicted drama there’s one word that remains on every page of his script.
The Thespian has the power to fuck up your whole day. Every time you talk to him there will be a new story of something that happened within his clique of friends, or a fight with a family member or ANYTHING that will give him a platform to unleash his inner Denzel. He will constantly be sharing his stories like Mother Goose cooing to a child in her lap. The Thespian thrives off of drama like air because without it he believes there is no life to live.
And the saddest part is that he will always be The Thespian. You can have quiet moments with him, but beware of who calls him when his phone rings. The right call from the wrong person could mean QUIET ON THE SET…… ACTION!
And just know that The Thespian never calls CUT.
Especially in regards to your relationship. Because for The Thespian, that’s just another drama he’s currently writing, editing and re-tooling the next scene for. If you’re a Thespian as well, you two should get along fine. If you’re not though, turn on your Stone Mason face.
Back in 2006, when he was in Miami during Sizzle and strutting around his beautiful, chiseled like ebony marble body in khaki shorts and flip flops he was a wet dream come true. His jet black waves mimicked the ripples of the Atlantic ocean, his teeth were blindingly white and everyone with a pulse wanted him.
Now, in 2013, this brotha still thinks it’s 2006.
Which is why he’s using the same picture from 2006.
The Illusionist took some really great pictures a few years ago and still allows them to represent who he is. Is it lying? Not at all! Because, in all honesty, it is him.
It’s just not him now.
Because now, the marble has turned into crumbled concrete and his waves are currently surrounding the island of Male Patterned Baldness.
And let me warn you: This guy is on EVERY site.
Sometimes, he just has the one sexy profile picture and nothing else. Or maybe it’s the profile picture and a shot of his dog, or his car, or a really tight close up of his impressively large dick. But any attempt at garnering a new picture through text or email will bring one of these responses:
“I gotta get my pictures developed soon”
“I gotta get a new camera”
“I don’t have a camera phone”
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bull. Shit.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen an episode of MTV’s Catfish, but the Illusionist is the biggest Catfish of them all. Because in some cases, that picture from 2006 AIN’T EVEN HIM!!!!
The most unfortunate thing about The Illusionist is that he’s generally a good guy aside from the false misrepresentation. He’s just locked into the past and doesn’t believe that he can attract the same type of men now as he did back in the day, which scares the hell out of him. Little does he know that if he didn’t try so hard to impress the wrong types of men he would eventually come across people that want to be with him. But sadly most of them never learn this lesson.
The Giant Squid
His last relationship was very good. Or, it was very bad. Whatever it was, it was a long time ago. And he has been waiting for a man who fits his strict list of qualifications. After your very first conversation with him, The Giant Squid knows that you’re The One. And he will attach himself to you quickly so that you too will realize that you’re The One for him. He will text you constantly, and call you whenever he feels it’s appropriate, even if you’ve already informed him that you will call him later. He doesn’t want anyone else to have the opportunity to entice you into being with them.
The Giant Squid is scared to be alone because he’s been single for so long that he becomes like Elmyra from Tiny Toons. He just wants to love you, and hold you and squeeze you all the time.
His insecurities will be based on your level of attractiveness or attentiveness. And if you can bring both of those elements to the table then you will automatically become his object of affection.
In theory it sounds nice for someone to view you in such a loving light, but if you can’t reciprocate his feelings then you will immediately become objectified in his eyes. Because he will no longer see you as a man with flaws, responsibilities and obligations. You are now something to be owned like property. You’re a stake to be claimed so other men will immediately know that you are his man.
The Giant Squid needs to focus more on what he needs other than be so entranced by a handsome face who fulfills his shallow desires. Be mindful that his attraction for you is strong. And if you’re not feeling him you may have to be very stern, yet respectful, in the way you detach yourself from his affections. Because if you’re rude about it karma will turn the tables on you and make you The Giant Squid at some point in your dating journey.
Enjoy your search brothas and whatever you do always protect yourself.
And I mean that literally as well as figuratively.