It Stands for Real Nutty Bullshit

TVOne_LogoOrangeNoTagJPGAs I’ve stated previously, Reality TV is here to stay. And I will be watching it. Not all of them, but a lot of them.

One show in particular that I enjoy is TVOne’s R&B Divas.

Yes. I realize that “real” Divas don’t need to do reality TV.

But everyone needs a check. And no one needs it more than these broads.

A few months ago I heard some good news and some bad news. The GOOD news is that Monifah Carter, Syleena Johnson, Keke Wyatt, Nicci Gilbert-Daniels and the one and only Faith Evans will be back for another season of lamentation on shattered dreams, increasingly morbid insecurity, wigs, weaves and heels.

And of course, Curvato.

The BAD news is that there’s now going to be a SECOND R&B Divas featuring a cast based on the West Coast.

Word TVOne?

Do we really need another band of XStars who are now doing other things to make themselves forget about how badly their careers went?

In the case of the original R&B Divas (because you know that’s what they’ll be referred to as from now on) I know that Faith and Nicci probably had the most amount of success, of which Faith (allegedly) smoked up and Nicci walked away from. Monifah was cool for a hot minute. I think she has a Grammy unless I’m mistaken or she hocked it to stock up on hair dye and vibrators. KeKe stabbed her husband, which she defended on the show and I understand why she did it. Unfortunately, that was waaaay too early in our culture before it would be deemed acceptable (we live in a really fucked up time now ladies and gentlemen). And Syleena, who has the chops and the presence to be one of the world’s biggest stars, just isn’t. It’s baffling, but I’ve seen a little snippet of their attitudes and I can tell exactly why they don’t have the astronomical careers of their peers. Some lack humility. Others lack confidence.  And quite frankly, if it ain’t happened at this point then maybe it’s time to re-mold your dream into something else. You’ve been in the limelight but there’s no use in trying to recapture those golden days when people meticulously hovered over their tape recorders for the right moment to snatch your songs from the radio.

That said, Yes. I will be watching these thirsty middle-aged chicks as they clamber and claw at the spotlight like kittens toying with mice.

Will I be watching the LA Divas?

More than likely, Yes.

BUT only if I can pick them.

And YES….I have a list.

And here they are.

 

mona_lisa_-_11-20-79

Mona Lisa

 

Why Mona Lisa?

Why NOT Mona Lisa?!

I’ve always wondered where she went after her song Can’t Be Wasting MY Time came out back in 1996 (which seems like thousands of years ago when you consider that cell phones were huge like bricks of coke and Hip Hop didn’t sound like the music you hear in Hell’s Waiting Room). Apparently, she’s still working on music and doing her thing. But wouldn’t it be a great running gag if every time she went somewhere, like to an audition or a get together with the other divas, everyone always looked at her like ‘Who the hell is this?’ Or if when they announced her at the big concert (because you know there will be one) the cameraman pans out to a confused audience looking at each other like ‘Who the hell is she?’

Hopefully she’s got better things to do than this show, but if not….hey. TVOne won’t be wasting your time when the check clears.

 

leelee

Lelee from SWV

Because the only time Coko goes downtown now is for gospel singin’ at church revivals, and Taj is at home writing books and keeping an eye on Eddie, I nominate LeLee for three main reasons;

One) She’s so damn mysterious. Coko was always front and center, and Taj got to hum a few lines in some songs. But Lelee was always in the background chillin’ and collecting checks.

Two) I read she became homeless after the group disbanded and had to solicit the aid of friendly lesbians during nights when she had nowhere to sleep.  Perhaps she, too, is family. Or maybe she went with the lesbians because she knew they wouldn’t be all over her try’na fuck like dudes would be. In any event, she’s gay friendly. And I love my gay friendly peeps.

Three) The most important reason. She needs the money.

 

Nicole+Wray

                                                                                         Nicole Wray

Lauryn Hill’s doppelganger was a big success with her hits ‘Make It Hot’, ‘I Can’t See’, ‘Eyes Better Not Wander’ and for singing the hook on ‘All n My Grill’.

(I’m sure I just took all my 30-something’s back in the day with those cuts. Ah youth)

And then, she was gone.

Her fans made it cold.

We couldn’t see her, anymore.

Our eyes finally wandered.

Truth be told, during the height of her career I was still enamored with the magic that was L-Boogie before tax evasion, platinum Marley dick and Florida Evans’ afro. So Nicole had songs that I liked but I was never a big fan.

Wouldn’t it be nice to catch up with her and see how everything has been since we last heard her?

No?

OK, Moving right along.

(SideNote: Nicole kinda looks like the 90’s porn star version of Jennifer Hudson in that picture)

 

168810Taylor Dayne

Because every black centered reality TV show needs a sassy white friend in an attempt at reverse racism. I think Taylor Dayne should be that sassy white friend. She was HUGE back in the 80’s because she was a blond, blue eyed white woman with a powerful voice.

She came after Teena (RIP), but waaaaay before Adele. And I know that she recently had a hit overseas, which is probably why she doesn’t need to do this damn show. But still, if they’re in desperate need of a white soul sistah they don’t have many options other than Amy (RIP) or Fergie. And I know Mariah’s half-white but she’s too busy on Idol. Plus TVOne probably can’t afford her anyway.

S/N: If Taylor’s not available, then they need to go find her. Because she was the shit!

0000019633_300Michel’le

She was the shit back in the early 90’s. Like, from 1990-1991. Then once the hits stopped coming she started fuckin’ Dre’ and Suge, popped out a few kids and now she’s driving a Saturn.

You see…that’s the kinda shit that makes reality TV man! All that drama….and that voice! Can you imagine her getting into a screaming match with one of the other divas? I don’t know if I would be able to take her seriously. I mean, how could you not laugh at someone who sounds like one of the Chippettes calling you a fuckin’ bitch? I know I would laugh right in her face. I can almost guaran-damn-TEE you that she will be on this show. If she’s not, then she’s a fool.

Don’t you know you need to come and get this mon-nayyyyy (sung to the We’re All In The Same Gang hook).

 tweet-06Tweet

Because how can you entice your fans with a song about playing with your pussy all night and then not stay in the game long enough to come out with a sex tape? Come on TWEET! I was rockin’ with you. Oops was my shit. When I used to go to Karaoke Night at Champagne’s back in my younger drunken days the women went wild for that song. Gyrating and moving their big asses all around the bar knocking drinks over. Then she dropped Call Me, which was my theme song because no matter who I was dating I always had another man. Then she found a place where we could boogie.

I just wanna see Tweet. I miss her chocolate Pocahontas of the Hood swag. She just needs to come back for me. Hell, give Tweet her own damn show and fuck the rest of the other broads.

OH! And wouldn’t it be hot if she came out with a CD this year called Follow Me???? She could do cross marketing on Twitter.

Hey Tweet….call me. Let’s make this shit happen!

 

I know that in most cases Reality TV is the final nail in the coffin for some artists (just ask the original R&B Divas).

I also realize that I waited too long to post this blog and the names of the LA cast have already been revealed. I haven’t seen them yet but after I post this I’ll check it out to see if any of the ladies I mentioned here will be on the show.

I just pray to God that that don’t try this shit with a bunch of washed-up male singers. Because that would be even worse.

Yet, I’d still watch it.

 

 

 

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