Sometimes I Don’t Know

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I’m at a real funky place mentally.

I want kids. But I don’t have them.

I’m a 34-year-old gay guy who isn’t in a relationship and I want kids.

And I want a husband.

I want to get married to a man who’s my best friend and my lover.

(God, I can’t believe I even typed that. But it’s true)

Then, after this fantastic wedding,  I want us to find a surrogate and have one kid each so that even if we’re both biologically related to our own child they’ll be related to each other.

I want this all sooo bad. Like, it is all consuming in my brain.

But then the reality hits me that perhaps this will never happen.

I may never get the wedding. I may never get the children. I may live a life of solitude where I watch all of my family and friends get married, have families and grow old together while I just grow old.

Doesn’t that sound depressing?

I know that it doesn’t have to be this way. And dammit I’m not closing off the idea of the possibility that I can have a family just like anyone else can. But it just seems so damn complicated.

If I were a woman I’d just run down to the sperm bank, pick out a donor and then boom! Instant family.

I’ve even been to a parenting seminar facilitated by gay parents and I was the only dude in there. The lesbians looked at me like I was crazy, and for a minute I began to feel like I may be fighting a losing battle.

My life has been a roller coaster ride of unexpected joy, crippling sorrow, laughter, love and lessons and I have always come out on top through all adversity because I know that I am one strong brotha.

I’m the type of person that always gets what they want. Some how, some way. I always find a way to make it happen. I have no idea what the rest of my life has in store for me, but then again I didn’t know twenty years ago when I began high school (which I thoroughly hated). Or fifteen years ago when I was 19 and settling into young adulthood. Or ten years ago when I had just started working as a barista at Starbucks (which I look back on with much regret now because I could have approached that job so much better). Hell, even five years ago I was in Sao Paulo Brazil.

Now I’m at work typing about how scared I am while staring in the face of the possibility of living alone.

This is challenging because I know what I want but there’s no simple way for me to achieve it and I don’t want to give up just because it’s not easy. I also don’t want to give up because it’s an unconventional approach to family.

And I’m not stupid. I know that there will be many people of all races and backgrounds who will say ‘I don’t know….gay people shouldn’t have families’

But here’s the Gotcha!: We already do.

We always have.

Never assume just because a man and woman enter into a marriage that they’re both straight. They may never come out for their own personal reasons, but that doesn’t change who they are or how they love their kids. Think of all the straight couples who completely fucked their kids up for life (Joe and Katherine Jackson. Dina and Michael Lohan, your neighbors who hardly pay any attention to their wild ass kids). I believe that if you have love and guidance to provide for a child then it doesn’t matter where the source comes from. If you can teach them how to become responsible, good-natured individuals then you’re already giving them half of the tools they need to become successful. Everything else is for character.

And I wasn’t going to post this because it’s personal and it’s how I feel.

And then I realized that the reason why I need to post it is because it’s personal and it’s how I feel.

  2 comments for “Sometimes I Don’t Know

  1. African King
    April 26, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I just found out you’ll be blogging for Discreet City. I like this post on here a lot. I look forward to seeing your submissions on Discreet City!

    • April 26, 2013 at 8:28 am

      Thank You brotha! I’m looking forward to adding my voice to an already phenomenal site. I appreciate the love.

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