Surfboard – AKA The Grammys

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God the Grammys suck.

Every year they serve as a reminder of how much these awards shows have turned into popularity contests. Music is no longer the soundtrack to our lives. It’s the elevator music we listen to as we descend deeper and deeper into the pits of Hell.

True, there are still a lot of stellar, phenomenal artists out there. But you won’t find them on the radio. And most people are lazy as shit so whatever the media pushes out to them they’ll believe is the hottest thing to listen to and move on without doing the research.

On Sunday I said to myself ‘You know what? Fuck it. I’ma watch the Grammys this year’

And honestly I hadn’t really watched the Grammys since 2009.

This time I’ma do things a bit differently. I watched the majority of the show and here are the top five moments that caught my attention the most.

 

5) Halloween Comes Early

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I like Katy Perry because she makes catchy songs that you can get into without too much thought.

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I like Lorde because her song ‘Royals’ has a message that rubs the industries nose in the shit they try to pass off as music on a daily basis.

And I’m assuming that they both like The Addams Family because they chose to dress in drag as Morticia at various stages of her after-life for their performances.

There are too many similarities with their dark and scary attire that made me question what the hell was going on. I wasn’t sure if they were competing against each other to see who looked the spookiest or if they were hype about Maleficent coming out and decided to pay homage to Angelina Jolie.

Or, perhaps they smoked a bowl with Christina Ricci and watched the Lizzie Borden movie before the ceremony.

In any event it worked! Lorde scared the shit outta me and I think Katy cast some type of spell over the Grammys because then this happened

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4) Macklemore is the new Rap Godfather

In the past I have jumped from my chair, pointed my finger at the television and yelled ‘SHENANIGANS!!!’ on numerous occasions while watching these awards shows. When I heard that Kendrick Lamar was nominated for a Grammy for his epic 2012 release Good Kid, M.A.A.D City I was filled with pride for about a second until I  heard that Macklemore was also nominated for whatever the hell he was nominated for. And when Kendrick lost I wasn’t really surprised.

I realize that Macklemore’s song ‘Same Love’ is a beautiful statement against homophobia and bullying. I get that.

But here’s the ‘Gotcha!’

The song that he won for was ‘Thrift Shop’.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard that song but lyrically and conceptually it’s garbage. Especially when pitted against any song from GKMC because those sixty-eight minutes and sixteen seconds of storytelling are cinematic, thought provoking, catchy and drenched in all of the elements that breathe soul back into the art form that is Hip Hop.

Not “Rap”.

HIP.HOP.

Those of you upset by his loss need to realize the difference and move on. Macklemore is not a Hip Hop artist.

HOWEVER

3) Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Talent

Macklemore may have won the Grammy. But KDot won the respect. And by the looks of Taylor rocking out in the audience at the 1:18 mark, he may have won a ticket to some of that sweet country lovin’ as well.

But it’s not like they’re getting married or anything.

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2) A Cool Statement

At times I felt like the Grammys were taking me on a three hour tour.

Of bullshit.

So at the three hour and one minute mark I had had enough and jumped ship. When I got to work the next day the Internet was all abuzz with what I’m hoping was the last performance of the evening.

The Prom King Macklemore brought out my girl Khadijah James to introduce him before he sang ‘Same Love’, a song that informs people that it’s not right to discriminate against the gays because Love is Love. Then, The Prom Queen Latifah came back to officiate the marriage of 33 gay and straight couples. THEN, as Ryan Lewis grabbed her arm to move her out of the way, Madge the Vadge appeared to sing ‘Open Your Heart’ to all of the couples.

I applaud the Grammys for doing this, but I also understand why they waited until the end of the show to do it because people are still assholes when it comes to homosexuality (aka the Ignorant and the Closet Cases).

But here’s where I was left scratching my head:

Why did Queen Latifah preside over the nuptials? Was this another one of her attempts to kinda let us know ‘Yeah, I like pussy…but shhhhhhhhh’. I would hate to think that if she did “officially” come out there would be a backlash from all of the companies she endorses and the people who have supported her career since ‘Ladies First’ (I’ll just bet Ladies First Queen, HA!) but then again I guess she may not necessarily want to ‘come out’ and run the risk of becoming the unofficial spokesperson for the entire black gay community.

And when did Madonna become so damn old? When the doors opened up I thought we were being treated to a hologram of Col. Sanders daughter hobbling out of the family mausoleum to cater the reception with free chicken. #Disnigga

It was like some Walking Dead shit yo. But I’ll tell you what’s not dead!

1) Beyonce and Jay-Z’s Sex Life

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Oh Mrs. Carter. I almost missed your rendition of Showgirls meets Flashdance. Had I watched just three more minutes of that Simpson’s episode competing for your time slot I wouldn’t have seen you in all your twerking, wet glory.

First I must say Bravo! You killed that shit.

Now I gotta get real with you.

Baby, you’re in your 30’s now. Sexy is no longer relegated to doing the shit that you failed to do ten years ago when Dangerously In Love came out. You’re supposed to do ho shit in the beginning of your career and then get classier as the money keeps rolling in.

I understand though. You’ve got some new material out, your kid gotta eat and there are a shitload of young girls who are hungrier and more agile than you that will stop at nothing to snatch the crown from your head. But honestly, is this the way you need to go about staying on top?

Don’t get me wrong, ‘Drunk In Love’ is the shit. But I don’t need to know about you and Jigga’s sex life. Like, NOBODY needs to know about it. We know that you two have fucked  in the past (say Hi to Blue for me) but we don’t need your secret CD of porn to shock us into the reality that Jigga probably looks and sounds like this while mounting you.

What your Stans won’t tell you, I will.

‘Cause I still care.

And so does Taylor.

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Will I be watching the Grammys next year? Only if I’m there live making fun of everyone and getting paid for it. Otherwise I have enough sense to know not to change the channel from FOX and just wait for social media to tell me everything the next day.

Gotta love the Internet!

 

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