Recently my job handed out bonuses for the year and let me just tell you my eyes popped out of my head when I checked my account balance that fateful Tuesday morning. The bonuses always come on a Tuesday so I affectionately call that day:
Because it truly is a fuckin’ super Tuesday, especially since it’s sandwiched in between two pay weeks.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but I went buck the fuck wild with that money. I didn’t spend it all in one place and I didn’t blow through it as fast as I have in previous years. However, I did enjoy it. It was like I was having a hot, steamy romance with a new lover; Money.
Because I’m always broke. Me and Money had such a good time together. We ate delicious food. We shopped in some of the best stores. We even took a few trips out of town. It was fan-fucking-tastic!
So I got a little spoiled by never having to check my bank account because I knew the money was there.
My phone would ring:
“Whaddup Ben? You wanna go grab a drink?”
“Hell yeah! Shit, I got money, I’m good!”
“Hey Ben you wanna run out and grab a bite to eat at a real restaurant?”
“Bon appetit bitches! I got money, I’m good!”
“Ben, let’s run up to the mall and cop some sneakers.”
You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t living like Diddy, being able to pay for shit and not have to borrow money from myself to make things happen.
Well, in the words of Henry HIll, Now it’s all over.
Because it’s the fuckin’ first of the month again and that has traditionally always been the brokest time for me. It feels like I’m married to Broke and when I tried to run off with Money (because Broke is abusive) that just made him angrier.
Well, we’re back together, and he’s up to his old shenanigans because this morning he kicked me down a flight of stairs when I paid my rent. Then he pistol whipped me when I paid my cell phone bill (which has increased, so that was nice). And, just to make sure I know he’s back in my life for good, he pissed on my broken, battered body as I paid my car insurance. Then he told me in a very ominous voice ‘If you ever try to leave me again…I’ll kill you’
I feel like Tina Turner. God dammit where are the pills! I want out of this relationship.
So, if you don’t see me out in the streets drinking Top Shelf booze (because it’s back to Well for me), or if you see me just browsing in the windows as opposed to buying what’s in the store (my old clothes are nice…the tears will keep them clean) just know that me and my old man Broke are trying to make it work.
…..But if you see Money….tell him to call me….
I’ll be waiting