Kourtney, Kim and Khloe along with their mother Kris and younger sisters Kylie and Kendall Jenner are gracing the kover of Kosmopolitan magazine with the title ‘America’s First Family’
But I ask, first family of what exactly?
Talentless attention whores?
When will the madness and obsession with these broads cease? Because I’m over them and I’m over this culture of celebrating people who bring nothing to the table but their looks.
Here’s my breakdown of how their fame came to be.
Back when she was a fresh-faced teen living in sunny San Diego Kristen Houghton probably looked in the mirror, liked what she saw and said to herself “One day, I’ma be famous!” After she married late OJ Simpson trial attorney Robert Kardashian and popped out a few kids she probably thought to herself “I’m rich and pretty, however, I’m still not famous!”
Then, when her daughter Kim got caught up in a sex tape controversy with the coolest mu’fucka in the world she thought to herself “Shit, I got some more daughters. Someone call Ryan Seacrest and let’s get this reality thang poppin’!”
After Kim and her sisters Kourtney and Khloe brought their sisterly drama to the immensely brain dead Keeping Up with The Kardashians Kris looked at her daughters and, jealous of their success, said to herself “THOSE bitches are famous, but not me. I. Want. To. Be. FAMOUS!!!!!!”
And then it hit her. “Wait. If those bitches are famous, then ultimately I am too. Because them’s my bitches!”
So like the gangsta ass mom-ager pimp that she is Kris began “managing” all of her daughters’ careers much like how The Mack “managed” whores back in the 70’s.
True, as a brand these ladies know how to capitalize on their name and their fame. However, their name minus the money has become synonymous with bad press and overall monthly moments of What-The-Fuck?-ness. Kourtney’s husband is a drug addicted douchebag, Kris’ husband is now her ex-wife, Khloe’s ex-husband is a crackhead and Kim’s husband is Kanye.
You know, there was another family that brought buckets of drama to the tabloids for many years prior to this coven of sirens.
Remember the Jacksons? These chicks aren’t America’s First Family. They’re the new Jacksons. There is little about their legacy that will be remembered for its positive impact. The circus that surrounds them is mired in narcissism, pretense, ostentatious wealth and insecurity.
So in essence, if Cosmo is naming them America’s First Family then what are they really saying about America in general?
Here we have a family with a matron who is so thirsty for stardom that she would serve up her own offspring on a silver platter to keep her name relevant. Kim’s three marriages prove that just like the other Kim she sucks at it too and needs to be stopped. Kourtney always looks like she’s either ready to cry or take a shit whenever the camera shows her face and Khloe is the outta control one with zero fucks, or talent, to give. The other two were merely paid extras awaiting their turn in the spotlight for years until recently. Kendall has been on her own ‘Fuck this shit’ vibe by modeling and staying far away from the antics of her sisters and mom.
I can only imagine that getting lip fillers, tit risers and ass lifters is a prerequisite in a family of individuals who are about as real as my third titty.
So in conclusion, no Kosmo. No no no. These heifers are not the First Family. They’re just a bunch of women who know how to sell themselves in a world where substance is fleeting, surface beauty is most important and intelligence comes second to everything else.
The opposition to them is the real first family, who can be found at 1600 Pennsylvania avenue.
Perhaps you’ve heard of them?