Of being single.
My last (and only) relationship was a good training ground for realizing what I will and won’t accept. And I do miss having that one person I can spend time with after dealing with the multitude of craziness at my job. Or someone I can spend the day with watching movies and eating fat shit because when you’re happy in your relationship your waist gets bigger and your man titties do too.
Unless you’re one of those people who actually wants to workout. If that’s the case then you’ve found yourself a permanent workout partner, which can be motivating and rewarding.
Anyone who has been in love before will tell you that it’s euphoric. Letting your guard down and sharing your life, hopes and dreams with someone who has your back is a beautiful thing. Certain songs on the radio become reminders of that person. You start referencing them in conversations like ‘Yeah, my girl watches that show’ or ‘Me and my boyfriend are going to Ms. Tootsie’s tonight’.
Then, their name replaces their title. ‘I’m going over Carla’s parents house for Thanksgiving.’ or ‘Me and Jimmy are going to Vegas!’
And then, when the newness wears off and you two have been together for a few years with no intention of leaving each other, their presence in your life becomes mandatory. Whether or not you spend all of your time together your friends know that you two are a couple, you love each other and will always be there for each other.
For that, I applaud you. Because I know what a true example of love is. My parents have known each other since they were both teenagers and have been married since 1966, which was a million years ago. I am a huge proponent of love.
I love Love.
However, this post isn’t for those couples.
THIS post is for all of those other couples.
Let me give you a quick example of what I’m talking about (in story form)
Mary is a beautiful, intelligent young woman with personality and manners. What man wouldn’t want her???
Apparently, every man. Because she just couldn’t seem to find the right person who makes her heart smile. She went on a few dates, which ended badly. Then she went on a few good dates that ultimately went nowhere. Finally, after a brief tryst with a man she thought was “The One” until she ran into him and his wife at Whole Foods, she gave up on love. She buried herself into her job. She spent time with her family and friends, enjoying their company and no longer placing emphasis on how a relationship would bring joy into her life. Then one day, out of nowhere, she met a man named Carlos.
Carlos is PHOINE!
They went on one very good date, which lead to another. Over time Mary noticed that Carlos genuinely cared about her as a person. They become closer as time passes and before long Mary is a willing prisoner inside of Carlos’ affections.
One day her phone rings. It’s her mother.
“Hey honey, we haven’t seen you in a while. Do you want to come over for a cookout this Saturday?”
“Sorry Mom, I’m going to AC with Carlos. Maybe next time.”
Two weeks later her phone rings again. It’s her best friend Janice.
“Girl where have you been? Let’s get together and catch up.”
“Sorry Janice I can’t. I’m going over Carlos’ mom’s house to help her with Sunday dinner. We’ll catch up soon”
Soon becomes a month later when Janice calls again.
“Mary, what’s going on? We don’t see you anymore. I ran into your mom last night and she said she hasn’t spoken to you in a week. Is everything OK?”
“Hey girl. I can’t talk now. Carlos’ friends are over and I’m frying chicken for the game. I’ll call you a little later.”
And then, a little later turns into consecutive weeks of invites to gatherings that get quickly dismissed, unanswered text messages and phone calls that go straight to voicemail.
And I don’t want it to seem like only ladies do this. Because the fellas do it too. Their world becomes a footnote within the chapters of their partner’s story, especially if the shot is nice.
Because good sex turns men into zombies.
Before I go any further, I need to specify that I’m not talking about compromise because that is the cornerstone of any relationship. I’m talking about completely forgetting that you had friends and an entire life before you got into your relationship. Being in love is great. But the person you’re in love with is supposed to add spice to your life, not flavor the whole damn thing.
We’ve all been at the stage when you become so enamored with your partner that all you see is them. Partly because love is a great emotion but also because we remember what it was like before they came into our lives and rescued us from loneliness and desperation. Yes, I realize that last statement was a tad bit dramatic. But then again, so is forgetting about the people that were there for you when you were lonely and desperate.
People spend so much time looking for love that they forget that they’ve already got love. The idea of having someone to call Baby, Babe, Boo or Shorty is common. And in the words of the philosopher, poet and pussy popper Rihanna, we all want love. And the person you love does indeed become one of the most important people in your life. Still, before that person arrived, you were walking this journey with others who care about and love you just as much as your partner does.
Remember when I said earlier that my first relationship taught me what I will and won’t do in my next? One of the things I learned is that I cannot distance myself from the people I’ve always known as soon as I’m in a relationship.
But then again, who am I to tell anyone how to love? Who am I to give any kind of advice on what you should do with your partner because I’m about to celebrate eight years of this theme song.
I’ll tell you who I am. I’m the mu’fucka that did it 🙂
So I speak from experience.
I will end with this. A relationship is supposed to be two people sharing their lives and becoming one. Not one person objectifying the other because they don’t want to be alone anymore.
Love hard. Love often. But don’t forget that there was love there before you became an ‘Us‘.